More on Love...

And there are times when we have to make a choice: When is our love being expressed in a way that hinders or helps someone?

I've seen upfront how evil can take over a life of someone so precious to me. How the chemicals of the mind can be imbalanced. To a point, you must show them affection. At some point, when all other avenues have been explored, should you demonstrate "tough love"?

When someone is in the depths of confusion & depression and continues to make terrible choices, sometimes we must stand and say, "Enough!" We have to demonstrate that there are certain things we can not, will not, tolerate.

In the end it seems that is the only way to get through to them. We can't allow innocent bystanders to be in harm's way. This is true with alcoholism, depression, sexual misconduct, and a myriad of other areas of life that Satan thrives.

It is tough to know how to handle these delicate situations. Overall, it seems prayer and steadfast meditation are the only ways to find the answers. This is when I don't know how someone can not turn to a Higher Power and believe, truly believe.

Thinking About Love

So, got some ideas tossin' around this morning. Gotta write a bit down. Guess what really got the ol' noggin' churning was the minutes I spent staring at my son as I hoped he would fall back asleep after our first early morning feed. (don't you know the sacred Saturday rituals yet, o ye little one?). :)

Often in moments like those I just can't stop thinking about how much I LOVE this little human. Seriously, such deep love that I wanna cry.

But...I don't believe you merely birth a child to know what love is. That's one of those 'icing on the cake' deals. So is a really happy romantic love. Or being lucky enough to be born in a loving family. No, understanding love, true love, goes much deeper than that.

Have you ever had to work on loving someone that completely drives you crazy (ok, I suppose a mother understands that in the teen years, ha)? Have you ever found yourself staring down the barrel of a loaded gun--the one we often call 'sin'--because someone dear to you is making horrible choices? Have you ever had to try to continue to love your SELF because you were making horrible choices?

What about brotherly love to someone you have a hard time seeing as your 'brother' because society puts us all in pretty, little, labeled boxes.

What about a friend who is in the grips of depression/alcoholism/sickness/(insert more crap here). Tempting to kinda just slide out of the picture, huh? Yes, it is. Love is staying there. REALLY staying there, not just the lip service of it. That is so. frickin'. hard.

I saw a musical that is centered around the concept of love last night. I know, most any artform is centered around that theme. It's what inspires art, after all. The musical really made me reflect on my first teaching job in east OKC & the challenges of trying to love some of those kiddos that wanted to run as far away from love as humanly possible. (The school focused on teens that had already been to jail and/or juvy and they'd all been "labeled 'ED' "). Man, those kids wanted love SO much that they would use every fiber of their being to run away from it. And a few very special people there illustrated to me what love is. The challenging kind.

How can we experience the 'icing on the cake' moments--or, rather, appreciate them to the fullest--without first realizing how sacred & amazing love truly is? I don't know if we can. Hmmm, one of the questions of philosophy class 101 that always nagged me the most as a believer (in God) was trying to understand adversities of the world & why we must experience them. Why would a loving God allow certain things to go down. Devil or not. Perhaps this helps me make just a miniscule amount of sense with that.

(But I still don't know why innocent children fall victim to awful things. Help me on that one, God. I need your wisdom there because I get super pissed off. Thanks).

That is not to belittle the 'lovables' in our lives. We need lovable people to make us strong. We need optimism to fuel our fire to love the unlovables. At the end of the day, we are all so very, very lovable. Some people have just buried it a little deeper than others.

So, I give thanks to experiences

--within family, friends, on the job---

that teach me more about love. Isn't that why we are all here anyway?

Fragments of Friday

This is not a regular series by any means. And technically it's now Saturday. Tan & I had a bit of a dramatic night, but all is good. My mom said she'd watch Lyndon while we attended a musical in Guthrie (I may review it later, too tired now).

Anyway, being the good lil' theater patrons we are, we had our phones off til the end of the show at 11 pm. Only then did we learn that my mom's transformer had blown out--- and with no electricity & AC, it soon become difficult to stay there with a little one. To add to the adventure, my cousins from Austin were in town and stopped by my mom's to meet Lyndon. There were 4 little girls running around with no lights on (fun!).

Eventually, my mom & brother had to make the careful call to swaddle up Lyndon and head to my sister's across town. I won't speculate on the safety of that, and hope my dear readers won't as well. But, like I said the night the tornado sirens went off & I was without carseat---you gotta do what ya gotta do.

So at close to 11:30 I arrived at Amy's to find Lyndon smiling in his sleep, cradled in Ryann's arms. She's 12. She said she held him for an hour & her arm was tired. ;)

Letter to Lyndon #3:

Dear Lyndon,

Tonight Daddy & I got to go on a date. Yes, the dinner portion was Taco Bell due to time constraints, but we took in some theater and enjoyed the quaint little town of Guthrie. (We'll go stroll those streets one day & have a playdate with the Fortneys).

Even tho your Mema's power went out, she took good care of you. Your Uncle Mark, Uncle Phillip, Aunt Amy, and 3 cousins loved getting to spend some time with you! Your cousin Aubrey, who is currently 3 (going on 16) is just enamored with you! She loves to (try) to pinch your cheeks and tell you how cute you are.

You are loved by all of your family, the Hubberts and the Curls, and it is easy to see why. You bring joy to everyone you encounter.

Love, Momma

2 months

Lyndon is two months old today! His little personality gets bigger every day. This week we began an actual 'bedtime' with him and it has made life better for several reasons. For us, we now know that there will be a time each night that we actually have together (Tanner and I, just to clarify). For him, it is wonderful....who'd have thought? He is actually less fussy now because of the routine. He actually has better naps during the day! I think once I got past the hard part--letting him be those first two nights--I learned this routine is better for all 3 of us!

Letter to Lyndon #2:

Dear Lyndon,

Daddy put you to bed at your designated time the first three nights. Mommy just couldn't bear it! I had to go outside & talk on my phone to distract myself from the idea that you may possibly cry & need/want me! However, you only cried a bit one of those nights---the other two you just konked out as if you've been waiting for this!

Tonight I put you to bed. After a bath (in the bath tub now, woohoo!) we had one more feeding & diaper, then off to your room. I prayed with you; your first bedtime prayer. When I opened my eyes, you were just smiling at me with that wide-mouthed grin that I have come to love more than anything in the world. I couldn't help but think you understood my words. You knew God was listening. Then I sang you a song. You were so happy!

You, sweet boy, have brought so much joy to me for two straight months. Ok, even before that, but I am speaking of your post-womb days. ;) Keep growing strong & teaching me what love is. Love always, Momma

Time slips away...

...when you are caring for an infant full time. I am amazed at how many things become instinctual as a mother. You know what I am talking about. It makes sense. You spend (almost) every waking hour with your little one, so every nuance of their behavior makes sense to you. I knew that today our little one was just not 'himself' and I think we found the root of the problem: a diaper rash that got a bit out of hand. Think we got the problem worked out, and thankfully he is sleeping well & hopefully feeling better by the minute.

Lyndon is almost 7 weeks old. I'd say I can't believe it, but I guess I actually can. :) He is well on his way to new milestones, and I can't wait. I'm ready for the personality to unfold. Kinda like a little budding flower. This morning, for instance, I got a genuine smile. Not the one you see when they are just kinda 'reflexing' and going through their muscle memory...but a smile that was specifically targeted at his momma. Wide and happy. I loved it so much & could've had that moment stretch out just a bit longer.

When I DO actually get around to blogging, I'd like to begin writing letters to Lyndon. Letters that I'll save outside of the internet and share with him when the time is right. Hmmm, what would I say tonight?

Dear Lyndon,

These past 6 1/2 weeks have been life-changing. Yes, certainly in the way I spend my time. My days revolve around feeding you, changing you, cuddling you. Soothing your cries. Yet my life has changed in a new way. You have brought me a new purpose, a new love. Your daddy & I have new conversations. Sure, we find occasional moments to banter about the state of the world, music, and philosophy. However, much more of the time is spent talking about how cute & wonderful you are. We sit back & marvel at how blessed our lives have become with you in them. We were so scared to become parents, but it all made sense when you came into the world.

I still have so much to learn about being your mommy. However, I don't fret about that. Nature--God--has a way of working that out. The motivation to do the best job I can is higher than any incentive I can think of.

I love you!

~Mommy

Yes, it's 3:45 am...

I am merely blogging as I wait for my pain relief medicine to kick in. I am experiencing pain lately that I can't talk about here. I still am convinced that only a handful of people read this, all women, but it IS the internet, after all. I'll only say that those of you withOUT curves have it way better than you could ever know!

Anyhoo, Lyndon has been so fussy over the past 48 hours. Poor buddy. I suspect his little digestive system is giving him pain. The nurse is having me eliminate all dairy to see if we can rule that out. Man o man, how I miss cheese, milk, yogurt. This sucks. But I'll do anything to find out if there is a little issue creeping up for my precious boy.

This afternoon I had the worst breakdown I've had as a new momma. I don't know who was crying harder--Lyndon or Lisa. ;) Granted, I am sure part of my tears were just needed from me...I took my last final that morning after cramming the night before (I am still SO thankful my momma kept the baby that night...I would've failed the test without that, no doubt). My body is just worn out! And it just hurt my heart so bad to see Lyndon crying (hard) tears that I couldn't soothe. Diaper change, check. Fed, check. Bouncing around, check. I am glad I called my momma again; my sister & mom swooped down to the city faster than you can say Edmond, Oklahoma. Those two ladies may not "get" me in many, many ways...but I'm finding that now that I am a mom, they are extremely understanding & helpful. After all, this IS their area of expertise! And surely not mine! I mean, I've got all those baby books....but who the heck has time to READ that crap when you are tired, studying for school, and breastfeeding? Seriously? :)

My other noteworthy Lyndon mention here is this....he fussed & did not sleep all day. His daddy got him to sleep at 6:30 pm. Then I kid you not, that boy slept 7.5 hours!! I kept staying awake thinking he'd start crying at any moment, ready to eat. Finally, by 11:30, I fell asleep. I awoke at 1:30 & realized he STILL had not woken up (sometimes Tanner does an expressed bottle at night, but the bottle was untouched). Ok, getting close to 8 hours for a 4 week old? That scared me. I mean, he was breathing, he looked content, he even had a cute baby snore going on....but I wasn't sure if it was SAFE for an itty bitty baby to go that long without feeding.

Hence, my first "after hours" med call. Question: Do I wake him up?

By the time the triage nurse returned my call, Lyndon had squirmed & I got him up to feed. He didn't cry at all. He just drank & basically went back to sleep! Nurse lady said everything sounded fine, but if he sleeps past 6 hours again it may be good to wake him. Then again, we both laughed about the fact that it is a BLESSING to have them sleep so well at night.

Only wish I'd had known at 6:30 pm that he'd be asleep so long...momma would've gotten a LONG nap. Ugh.

Night-night. Or whatever time of day/night it is. Does it really matter to a new mom? :)

Lyndon's First Adventure

His first outta state trip: Dallas, TX. Not mommy's favorite city by any means, but it's fun to try our first family travel! My rip on Dallas is this: I know there are cool/trendy areas (ie, Greenville, Lovers Lane, Lakewood)...but is all the traffic worth it? I am sure if you live in these little areas it feels smaller, but all & all, Dallas is just too big to feel homey and communal.

*Here is Lyndon this morning while lying on the hotel bed. Today he is 23 days old!

That being said, Tanner's best friend lives in Dallas & got married yesterday. The outdoor wedding (on White Rock Lake) had some minor bumps...a sudden downpour of rain RIGHT when the bride was to walk down & very close tornado sirens RIGHT when they were pronounced man and wife. I think it is an omen for a great marriage...the picture-perfect wedding that goes without a hitch sometimes mean the couple was keeping up appearances, right? ;)

Lyndon has had fussier nights as he's gotten older. However, he was great on this trip. Only one stressful time....he got upset in the car while I was trying to find my way back to our hotel from the reception. Screaming baby while following directions=stress!!

Now as I sit here on our huge, comfy bed...Lyndon yawns then smiles as he drifts in and out of sleep. He is just so super duper cute....I wanna stare at him at night and sometimes it keeps me up. ;) Today is May 1st.....he is almost a month old. NO!!

I love you so very, very much, Lyndon James!!