The end of 2011...

A quick recap of some of the coolest Christmas gifts the Hubbert's received while in Arkansas:

Lyndon~

Octimus Prime rain boots
Red Barn toy circa 1975
books, books, & more books!
his first 'car'

Lisa~

Cool knife thing that I should probably find you a pic of...later
guitar case (that i needed)
cute earrings from a cool store in Little Rock called Ten Thousand Villages
& the best....my husband engraved a locket with 'Lyndon James' on it

Tanner~

He got those dern gaming headphones he wanted!
Funky scarves, cool shirts.
Toolbox he wanted
wireless keyboard

Ok, ok....here I am writing about things on the eve of Minimalism 2012!! Receiving (& giving) gifts with our loved ones was inevitable. And fun. Most all we received are things we actually wanted & will use frequently. But, 2012 is around the bend.....about to do my next purging of things & can NOT wait!!!

In other news,
I stumbled upon something wonderful at the library last night.

Misplaced & sitting alone, I found a double disc CD of RUFUS WAINWRIGHT COVERING JUDY GARLAND'S HITS LIVE AT CARNEGIE HALL. This makes me very, very happy.

1. Already loving it.
2. It may now be confirmed that I am a gay man trapped in a middle-aged mom's body.

Lost in My Mind

Honestly, most CC music annoys me to a point of teeth grinding. Yup, I am snobby & cynical about that. (google "CC music" if you are confused, I can't even type the genre name because even that is quite annoying to me). But let's step back & analyze. Am I really a snob because I have musical preferences? I mean, if musicians are gonna share the gifts, given to them by the Creator no less, bring your best game forward, my friend! Don't write a crappy, pappy song & expect me to like it because it is about God! Don't force me to turn to "secular" music to actually be inspired & worship my God. Yet, that is often the way it goes. I often find the divine in things that didn't set out to be labeled that way. After all, many Christians create things & don't stamp the "CC" label on it. Or call it "praise & worship."

Anyway, I digress. There's a major exception in all of that for me. Perhaps it bloomed out of the fact that my dear college band/friends & I did a lot of listening, discussing, & imitating of this man's music, but I have a super soft spot in my heart for Steven Curtis Chapman. It does not hurt at all that he is an AMAZING guitar player & author of melody, but what always got me the most was his amazing (and I believe, inspired) lyrics. I will always remember the long drives I'd take, hashing out my beliefs in my head, trying to learn how to talk to God, and often his music was the backdrop.

Just felt like sharing this song because, well, it just lights the little belly of my soul & pretty much sums up what I want to remember every day of my life. (Even when I am being a stogy, snobby cynic). ;)

Holidays Commence!

Tonight I handed in my last paper, took my last final, and got a hyper little boy to bed.

And now I must pause & sigh, just so grateful for a break!

Now that means new tasks are at hand. Need to finally get around to a few Christmas 'to-dos' that I couldn't before. Want to go meet two little twin girls my friend just gave birth to. Need to catch up on some serious housework!

Merry Christmas!!

Marriage Revisited

Someone close to me is about to "revisit" the institute of marriage. We all know someone giving it a second try. And while I am not blogging to discuss that, I just wanted to write down something she said to me just now that may be one of the best compliments my ears have heard.

"I really want what you and Tanner have."

No, it wasn't a statement of envy. Nor flattery. It was a statement of respect; I know this because I know this person so well.
She went on to say she didn't have good examples of what marriage is in her life & now she feels she does, and I am honored to be on that list.

What she may not know is that I had to find examples in my life as well, and I still look to them today.
She's smart, so she probably DOES know that this Hubbert marriage is young, terribly imperfect, and wonderful all the same.

Reminds us all that just "doing life" is one of the greatest impacts we can have on spreading love.

That's the goal. LOVE. :)

Marriage & Minimalism

I'll start with a rant. It's one most of the general American public has right now. 72 days? Really?! Ok, I will first clarify & say I've never even allowed my eyes to watch an episode of "Keeping up with Kardashians." Heck, I haven't even had cable TV in over 5 years. But you pretty much have to live under a rock to not know who Kim K is & that her wedding was televised almost to the magnitude of the Great Royal Wedding across the pond. And it's already Splitsville?

Sure, divorce happens all the time in this country of ours, but 72 days is up there with Vegas weddings where the couple was drunk. I confess that I read People (can I justify to say I love the recipes??)...and I'll sometimes have one of those Hollywood gossip shows on (just flipping channels, really!)...but I've caught enough of the gossip to know that the media is basically painting the picture of her just kinda saying, "Hmmm, well, I don't really want to move...I guess this whole marriage thing didn't work. Sorry."

Come on! When did we start sending the message to young people that marriage is just something fun to try on like that outfit at the Gap? When did people stop asking the hard questions before saying "I do!"?

I only daydream sometimes of being a politician in hopes to make it 'harder' to get married and more rigorous to become a parent. And then I digress, because then we are getting into freedoms, personal choices, and government. Sigh, I suppose I need to just shut up & live MY life in the manner of which I preach these passions. So....here's to 45, 50, 55 more years, Tanner! :)

OK, topic #2:

I want to be a minimalist. Badly.

I've been toying with this idea now for 3 years. I've lived in the same house for 7 yrs, and I think my desire to scale back increases as my "stuff" increases.

There was some beauty to the chaos of my early 20s. I moved a lot. Not very much stuff followed me. It was freeing.

Why do we need or want stuff? I know there's a psychology behind shopping, accumulating, hoarding. And how many years do we have to do it before we realize that it never makes us happy?

If you've never been to my home, you might imagine that it is off an episode of "Hoarders" or something. It's not even close. I don't have a ton of stuff. Tanner definitely doesn't. But we also have many, many things that we don't use. Ever. They are there "just in case."

And my quest for minimalism isn't a political statement. It's not a green initiative.

It's just for my sanity & peace. In my head

Less stuff=more fulfillment.

So, I am asking YOU. I want ideas. 2012 is the year I begin this quest. I'm actually hoping that the holidays don't include me acquiring more things I don't need (but I don't know a non-rude way to express that to anyone buying me a gift...gifts are from the heart, I do realize).

But I want to make it a structured movement in my life. Every month I get rid of 10 articles of clothing? Every week I "purge" a different drawer? Give me some ideas & let me toy with how this is gonna go down!!

Preacher Man, we really need to talk...

Arrggh, I woke up from a great slumber still frustrated about this, so I must vent. Blogs are good for that (maybe?). What I do know is that 2 (of my maybe 4) readers can appreciate this since they are also wedding musicians. ;)

Ok, I played for a lovely wedding last night. It was in a gorgeous backyard. One of those large acreages in Deer Creek, rolling hills, lots of trees, and probably the most amazing outdoor spread I've ever seen for a wedding. The bride had been very laidback about choosing music for her wedding. In fact, in the days leading up I had been a bit anxious because I rarely work with a bride who is so NOT worried about what song she will walk down to...we really want brides to like their music!

So, we finally got the deets ironed out & I was feeling good about it all. The band playing for the reception agreed to let me just plug in to their system. And what a system it was. This band, Wise Guys, have quite a spread...I showed up extra early and worked with their sound guy. All the equipment was on a gorgeous (covered) deck...but it turns out it was almost 50 yrds away from the actual ceremony. (A detail it would've helped to know!) No worries, the PA was huge, I had a good view, and preacher man was gonna cue me throughout the ceremony.

I could tell early on preacher man was not the best communicator. We swapped notes prior to the ceremony...I just needed to know his lines right before I started playing. Instead, he proceeds to go through EVERYthing he is going to say. Ok, I can be patient.

Well, the clincher was literally one MINUTE before the service begins, the mother of the groom becomes insistent on lowering a giant curtain over the 'stage' so that the photos will not show the wedding party coming out. (They were all coming from inside the house near the deck). So my anxiety is suddenly on the rise..I gotta see the wedding for my cues, people! No one is hearing me, so I have to just go with it.

So, I am literally just having to guess out my timing on the music because, oh yea, it turns out I can not HEAR the ceremony, either. A giant fountain to my left blocks the sound. And preacher man is not even using a mic (another surprise to me since there were 100+ guests). Here's the part that annoyed me...I play the brides' walk down, knowing I can just ballpark the walk (without seeing it)...and finally someone opens the curtain a tad as I am wrapping up the bride's walk. AND PREACHER MAN is apparently leading the audience in prayer while I am still ending the song! I can't explain how annoying this is. Preacher man also did not cue me once, so I was just desperately trying to read his lips for things like the unity candle. In hindsight, I should've just unplugged & marched the 50 yards over there & done it all without a mic. ;)

As a wedding musician, timing is key to everything going just right. I almost always cut bride walks very short, you needn't play the whole song. But there may be a measure or two where the couple stands there gazing at each other nervously while you wrap up. And everyone waits. That is what you do. But never have I played a wedding where the preacher just disregards the music & starts talking. Is it ok to want to scold someone "of the cloth" at a wedding? ;)

Seriously, when the wedding was over, had I not been busy doing the "cocktail" music, I would've found preacher man & told him thanks for throwing me under the bus.

There were two redeeming parts to this story. One, the clouds were brewing overhead & the sound guy had to unplug & start tearing down. He had over $10,000 worth of equipment that was about to be dumped on. The father of the bride was distraught, as he had hoped to dance with his daughter. So, I was able to just grab my guitar & do a very acoustic number for them ("The Way You Look Tonight"). It was actually pretty sweet. All the guests were eating & the rain was starting to sprinkle, but bride & dad just danced on that patio, both a bit teary-eyed. It was nice to know I could help in that way.

I was just hoping that the music incident did not upset the bride. (She seemed fine, she actually seemed very sweet & just nervous about being the center of attention...and thankfully her best friend had nothing but kind things to say about the ceremony music...I knew that it was a royal mess-up, tho, and it bugged me).

The other redeeming moment was when I talked to an old college buddy who was there as a videographer. We occasionally run into each other at some of the fancier weddings 'round town. We were talking about ol' preacher man & I asked Ben if he knew what church he was from. (I was still considering running into this guy in the near future to tell him he needs to get his act together....haha). And get this: he had told Ben that he was not from a church; he was a "street preacher." So much became clear in that moment.

My husband deals with church staff (or volunteers) on a daily basis, so he sees some characters for sure. He sees when there is ego & sometimes it gets ugly. (Seriously, some people do NOT realize how badly they represent their church just in the way they talk to people like their webmaster). But this just takes the cake. The wedding cake, that is.

These Will Become Rare, I Suspect

Yes, the blog may be quite bare over the next few months. Grad school is now in FULL swing & is already kicking my booty. On paper it does not look like I am taking many hours, but if one of those lovely courses has "Practicum" in the title--you can go ahead and skip DVRing most TV shows you once loved cuz ya just won't have time. :)

I was already overwhelmed, then I went to Stats class and found yet another large assignment in my possession. Mix that with an anxious student sitting beside that basically wanted me to write both my & her paper. My first instinct in those situations is to try and offer immediate help. But when I got back to my mom's house to pick up Lyndon (God Bless Grandma a million times over!), I had my own mini-breakdown. So much to do, so little time, so much heartache in having to leave Lyndon to go work.

Oh, full-time working mommas, I don't know how you do it!!

It leaves me with inner turmoil. On one hand, thank you to the 60s & feminism & equality & all that jazz. On the other, have we painted ourselves into a (foul-smelling) corner of the room? We know in many ways we are just as capable as men. It's been proven (do not refer to Palin for that token of proof, readers). No, it's been proven by the thousands of women who care for us as doctors, lawyers, teachers, accountants, bankers, Realtors, CEOs (I mean, if they can care for you...), nurses, chefs. But if it is at the expense of nurturing future generations.....what is it all worth?

I am NOT saying that a man can not be a SAHD. (If you don't know my acronym, do some internet research or read a mommy blog or two). Yes, they can. There may come a day when Tanner does just that. But nursing....ah, nursing. Despite the colorful stories of male lactation, we know it's truly meant for the fairer sex. And, well, there are times when I just KNOW what my baby needs & it feels purely biological....a womanly instinct that can not be explained.

So I am at odds with modern society a bit. Give me the right to choose my career & ambitions. Give me the right to be a mommy. But have me try to sanely balance? That's what this semester will teach me above all else, I suppose.

Children

I've not blogged in a while. Not purposefully, I suppose just because life has ebbs & flows. The start of a new semester & new routine often get me preoccupied.

This semester I am taking a statistics class that for once does not totally intimidate me. I'll not bore you the details, but I'll only say the prof is so great at explaining things from the "ground up" that I don't fear falling behind. At least not yet.

I am also in the throes of my first "practicum experience," where we take what we've been learning and actually hit the pavement doing it. I feel these times are the absolute best ways to learn, far better than any classroom-- no matter how "high tech" it may be.

I am assigned actual cases of children that need assessment. My first one involves a family going through the uncertainty of homelessness. Talk about reality check. I've only met with the young boy once, but I already feel the repoire is there. He already asked me, "Are you my counselor?" Although I am merely there for a battery of testing that will take several sessions, I feel building a relationship of sorts is important. Not only to validate the testing procedure, but to just let him know that someone cares. Someone has his best interest at heart. It is, after all, why I want to remain in the realm of education...despite the new "hat" I am training to wear.

I go through phases of self-doubt. Is this what I want for the years ahead? Is this the best route for my growing, young family? Does this fulfill desires of purposefulness & growth? I can only say that the path feels right, so I will travel down it. Slower now since Lyndon is priority #1. That's just it, I love working with children, but the sense of duty to nurture a child that YOU are the parent of is stronger than any I've known.

Look at this sweet face.

How can I not want to do everything in my fiber of being, every talent & gift that God has bestowed me, to try & help this precious life grow into the glory that God created? Yet I feel strongly that COMMUNITY is key. I want to nurture him. And nurture others~ cousins, nieces, nephews, children of friends, children of my city. I want to live giving myself & lending my help to any child placed in my "orbit." Erikson would deem this part of the stages of life. We hit a point when preserving & protecting posterity gives us the fullest since of purpose.

New Backpack, New Semester

When my dear husband asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I truly couldn't think of anything tangible...the ideas that popped up: a candlelit dinner (that I don't even have to clean up!), a back rub, a pedicure, a night at a little B&B, a long bubble bath. :) But Tanner is a "gifter."

He enjoys picking out presents & prides himself on his good taste (which he definitely has). Being that my birthday has always fallen on the first week of school spectrum, it's usually a busy time & I never truly expect people to remember, let alone get me a gift.

However, I did think of something: I wanted a new backpack to go to class in for this semester (and the endless semesters to follow). And Tanner sure delivered! He got me an awesome one. He gave it to me one day early since I had class tonight.

Boy, getting back into the "school world" is weird after my summer home with Lyndon. I was honestly not too keen on the idea, but tonight wasn't so bad. This semester includes a brutal statistics class & an in-the-field experience (ie, practicum) and I think I will learn a lot. That is the great thing about school....you can never get too high on your high horse because you always find out that there are still so many things you don't know.

I suppose I found that out starting with the first day of kindergarten.

So Happy First Day to the kindergartens, the new college co-eds, the adults going back to pursue things (like almost-33 me), and everyone in between!!

Songs for Lyndon

I make up approximately 32 songs per day. They are not too creative. They are usually 'stolen' melodies. But I'd make up 132 if it means I get to see my little boy's big, happy grin. He absolutely LOVEs to be sung to. Here are two that pop up a lot in our repertoire:

~Sung to "Edelweiss":

Lyndon James, Lyndon James

Every morning you greet me.

Soft & white, oh so bright,

You look happy to see me.

Blossom of snow* may you bloom & grow,

Bloom & grow forever.

Lyndon James, (Hubbert-named),

Bless my baby forever!

*I didn't change the original lyrics here because Lyndon actually IS a blossom of snow...his Great-Grandma (my mom's mom) is Grandma Snow. :)

And another....sung to "We Love You, Conrad" from Bye Bye Birdie:

We love you Lyndon, Oh yes we do.

Mommy & Daddy, we both love you.

When you aren't near us, we're blue.

Oh, Lyndon, we love you!

Yup, so there's just a taste of my daily entertainment. ;)

OH, and when I'm not singing, I've got my nose buried in The Help. Already love how much more story & detail the book goes in to than the movie. Very powerful.

Help Me

There are so many thoughts I have from seeing "The Help" tonight...however, it's late & apparently there was a huge storm at my house while at the movie. Not to mention there are fireworks currently going off from our not-so-bright neighbors. As I wait for the cop cars to collect on my lovely little street, I'll say goodnight. :)

Cousin Camp!

Lyndon & I spent the last 5 days in Arkansas. Most of it was in Conway (my honey's hometown & current habitat of his eldest sis) but there were also trips around the area. Most pointedly, we spent one day in Scott, Arkansas, to visit sister Sunny's co-op farm & eat a burger at a famous (read, Man vs. Food has taken a challenge there) place called Cotham's. Had my sweet little one not been suffering what we presume must be allergies, the weather been a tad more merciful, and --oh yea--this momma didn't suddenly have a mammoth fear of the giant bees she saw coming up to sting said little one.....we may have not gotten in the car to nurse. ;) We DID go see the hogs, baby pigs, and goats. But after that little trek it was off to the A/C in the car for us! We also spent the afternoon at sister Sunny's Little Rock home to celebrate cousins Jax & Jackson as they both embark on the grand age of seven.

Having a 3 1/2 month old did mean that we didn't participate in all the slated 'cousin camp' activities such as the water park and "dig for gold" outside, but I still felt we got the great end of the experience. A majority of the time was just about letting the 3-8 yr olds play together & nurture those special cousin bonding times while the grown ups cooked, talked, and just hung out. I loved it!

Tanner has 3 older sisters. All mothers of 3 children each. (that makes Lyndon cousin #10). And guess what? I love all 3 of those girls! They are 3 very individual, unique women. Yet I truly find things in common with each one. I love to talk music, pop culture, and gardens with Sunny, plus she has a great sense of humor. Joanna & I are both (former) teachers...and we both live in OKC so we see each other quite a bit. She goes above & beyond with offers to watch Lyndon & having us over for dinner. The eldest, Lani, is who I see the least but we always pick right back up where we left off. Until she began to homeschool, she worked as an OT so we love to talk developmental psych-ish kind of things. Not to mention her 2 teenage sons play violin & guitar, so she loves to bounce things in that realm off of me. I could go on & on with more commonalities, but the heart of it is that they treat me like a sister. I should've been nervous coming in as the first female in-law...women can be brutal!...but they never have, nor I predict never will, give me reason to feel like a second-class citizen.

If I try to look from their perspective, I suppose they instantly loved me when they saw how much I loved their brother. He is, after all, the 'baby' of 5 kids & I am sure some maternal protectiveness is warranted. But I suppose they "approved" of me long ago because my role with them fell into place quickly & naturally. That is the thing, though...they aren't the type of women that size people up too quickly. They take it as they see it & go with it.

Most of our conversations revolved around cooking, thrift shopping, kids, babies...

I am quite certain I've given them plenty of reason to think I'm strange...I am the Curl Girl, after all...but I just don't ever get treated like I am. ;)

I can't wait for Lyndon to grow up with all their kiddos.

I am so very grateful for 3 wonderful new sisters!!

Thursday night, Tan & I took the turnpike to Tulsa for some tunes (sorry, alliteration gets me every time). We saw his #1 favorite singer/songwriter, Josh Ritter. I really like him, I do...but the thought of leaving baby somewhere overnight AND being in a different town was a stretch for me. However, I trust & know sis-in-law Joanna so well that I dare say she knows how to take care of Lyndon better than we do. ;) After all, she is raising 3 wonderful boys of her own...doing it quite well. So why the fear? Just new mommy madness, I suppose. I bit the bullet & went. So glad I did! Not only did Lyndon stay the night in the greatest of care (with 3 cousins that were THRILLED to hang with him) but Tanner & I got to revisit some of those moments that occur pre-baby. Driving & talking about life, sharing music....it was great. Jo(anna) is a veteran momma and sent pics of Lyndon smiling to reassure me. :)

Friday was jam-packed: picked up Lyndon, met Gena for lunch, stopped to visit with Grandpa, met back with G at the mall...Lyndon was a doll & went along with all the adventure. Sure, there were fussy times (and gassy times). However, Gena swooped in like the momma bird that she is and insisted on calming the baby. She is a natural, I tell ya. Although in retrospect...I attribute some of his tummy troubles to me (stupidly) having wasabi on my sushi and some tabasco on my chicken. Lisa, you are nursing...don't forget that when you are choosing what you eat!! I love Gena's kids.....Raegan & I enjoyed piecing together Lego people and Greyson had fun sneaking up on me. Greyson is such a sweet kid & sets a great example of the kind of little boy I hope to raise.

Tonight I played a gig that can often be annoying: it's a pub in Bricktown (enter: DB alert!) but I love this gig because there is little set up (they have an already-set PA) and pays well. The owner is so awesome in how he treats local musicians. To my surprise, Tanner came strolling in only because Lindy agreed to watch Lyndon for a while. The gig ended up being fun. Sure, the occasional annoying person that requests the same song (over & over) due to alcohol consumption overkill. But others strolled in that were there for the music, my music. That is something always so refreshing & humbling. Seriously, it's one thing to say it...but people who want to support your artistic endeavors are important. I may not be looking for a record deal, or even trying to play at the best places 'round here (anymore)...but I still love to get hired to share songs. How can a gal complain?

After the gig, Tan & I kept Lindy out much too late discussing dating/marriage and theology. I love when my husband and my lifelong friend can have deep discussion. It means the world to me. Lindy is such a wise soul, as is Tanner, and listening to them bounce ideas to and fro is enlightening to me.

A Journal of Record

Just to record a few things worthy of account.....hmmm, nothing particularly noteworthy, but what are the moments worth remembering?

~Kaitlyn was home for a short visit this weekend, so Lyndon & I went to see her today. She hadn't seen him in a month, so she was surprised to see his wide, happy, reactionary grin. It's fun to be reminded of the milestones when someone sees him after a long absence.

~I am on the verge of maybe being inspired to write a song or two. I'll have ideas, but then dirty dishes or grocery trips lure me since the chance to pursue those mundane tasks are rare. But maybe I'll make time for music this week!

~Speaking of music, this weekend was the annual Woody Guthrie Fest. For the second (or third?) year in a row not only did I not participate as a performer, but I didn't go. The idea of being in the smoldering heat conquered the thirst for creativity yet again. Wonder what will win out next time 'round?

~We had fun yet again celebrating buns in the ovens in our 'music circle.' Jenn & Laura are both close to meeting their baby girls. We took a group picture of the kiddos. There are SO many now! And that was with Gena's little ones even gone! (she was rocking out with Richard Marx down south). And the announcement of Carrie's baby on the way. Plus we mustn't forget Sarah's twins. These group pics are about to get huge!

~Tanner & I are pretty darn good about Lyndon's bedtime routine (if I can toot the horn). Bath, diaper, prayer, song, leave...we do it every night. Yet tonight, while watching a TV rerun of "Four Weddings & a Funeral," little boy crashed out in my arms. I didn't wanna put him to bed, just wanted to hold him like that for a while. Gotta love & savor those moments! I'll trade the routine to have that once in a while. ;)

~Aforementioned movie reminded me that I want to explore more British TV shows. We don't have cable, thus no BBC. And the PBS British shows just don't hook me, they actually kinda depress me. :) So, a little google followed by a little Netflix...voila! I've got a few series in my que to check out now. I'll write about any I thoroughly enjoy.

~I used to pride myself on having little to no TV addictions. That changed when I realized that a) nursing quit hurting & I decided to stick it out longer and b) the only way it works really well is lying down, thus we do 99% of our feedings in bed by the TV. With Netflix & DVR, the boobtube (ha, great pun!) is my new playground. Though DVR causes instant reflexes to hit 'fast forward' even when you are watching real-time television.

~In reference to TV controls, I wish there were a 'pause' button on summer. No schoolwork, no job (paid, that is), no place I gotta be with the exception of a gig or two and a few lessons. I enjoy the simplicity. I don't know if my brain gets challenged too often, but can anything replace learning about caring for a little one? Mundane but important. I try to remember the bigger picture: this won't last forever & some say I will yearn for the day again. Someday, God-granted, I'll be finished with my current line of study, waking up for work, sifting through papers in my office, and wondering if little Lyndon is having a good day at school. Wondering if he'll like the note I packed with his lunch admist the flurry of the morning rush.

Fragments of Friday

Truly, this is fragments:

~can't quit peeking on little boy. i know he sleeps & grows, but I just want to SEE it. he is so sweet.

~i tried to meet up with a friend today & my timing was off. i got there too early and lyndon was fussy. i knew i had to get home. good thing my friend is a mom and she gets it!

~another friend of mine does not have her own children yet, but she gets it. she has the biggest heart and has offered to watch bambino tomorrow night while tan and i go out. what should we do?

~then there's g, who has a family...not to mention she is a rock star. she offers to rock baby while i run errands all the time. you are too good to me! you make mommyhood look so effortless!

~i do have dreams outside of mommyhood. i want to finish the masters program i started. i want to write a few more songs. but, honestly, being a good mom to lyndon (and a great wife) top it all. i never knew that til i had those boys in my life.

This is why journaling is really, really great...

I decided to skim over a computer journal I kept from the years 2003-2008. Wow, there were some great times, then others not-so-great. I am glad I recorded both. Here is part of an entry from 2006. It was in the wake of a lot of spiritual growth that I still credit to helping me onto my path today. I thought it was great to go back & remind myself of these thoughts since their original days:

I sure don’t think I’m perfect. But I also don’t think I’m trash. I think I’m special. Yet I think I’m a single petal on a brilliant flower and am not that great on my own. That is the beauty in belonging to God. We come to Him imperfect and needy, yet He makes us amazing angels of light and truth. We can glorify in that. Yet we can also still see that it’s not a one-stop shop…we don’t just go in for a shiny new paint job. We constantly need repair, rework, reminder, and reapplication. There is beauty in that.

Every day is a new day. I can start over every time the sun rises. This is a good thing. There would be an overwhelming sense of hopelessness if that weren't the case. Now, this is tricky…others may not let you start over. You can wallow in that sense of rejection, resentment and really start disliking yourself. But anyone who is a true friend knows what Grace is. Thank the Lord that He invented it! Anyone in your life that is practicing Grace with you…is doing it to receive Grace as well.

I am thankful that I can revisit these thoughts & still find them to ring true!

bloggin...should be joggin

A recent post I read rang to the tune of: Blogs make me feel bad about myself (not cool enough, not thankful enough, not inspiring enough).

I want to tell her that many of us who blog are merely just journaling for our own benefit. Beit narcissim for the fact that it's online, but it's just the current way many of us journal.

I know I have 3 readers. I probably have 5 if you add in the people that don't comment. But that is not the point for me. I don't sit down with pen & paper anymore. This is the only way I take the time to record certain points of life.

Perhaps back when many of us journaled in an actual journal, or wrote it on Microsoft Word, we truly wrote it as an historical record. But even then--didn't you journal knowing that you could suddenly die & have it discovered by thousands of curious eyes? (ie, you wrote to an 'audience').

That being said, the short times I spend blogging could be spent exercising, folding laundry, grocery shopping. However, I like to stop and faintly reflect on where I am at & what is going on.

For example, today Lyndon & I met Lindy at Zorba's for a yummy lunch. She just loved holding him & basking in his sweet smiles. I could not help but be the adoring mother, taking in every moment.

I want to remember those moments. I've been told they pass quickly.

Thus, a letter to Lyndon...#4:

Dear Lyndon,

You were so sweet today at lunch with Lindy and during mommmy's sudden need to find flattering clearance-rack clothes at Target. You just smiled, cooed, and slept during a jaunt around town. I know I won't have these moments with you forever, so I try my best to savor it all. Even the moments you start crying because it's time for some milk! But even those moments are sweet: We went to the Target snack bar for a bottle break & I ended up conversing with a woman who showed me pictures of her grandchildren. She was out with an elderly woman via her job with a healthcare non-profit. At first, I was annoyed that she wanted to talk so much. (Toting a baby around opens you up to many unwarranted conversations). However, I soon enjoyed our conversation. There is an unspoken bond between women when it comes to little ones. We are "in the trenches" together.

And we love it. We may get tired. We may have spit-up on our shoulders. We may take bottle breaks.

But we love it.

You make my life so sweet!

Love, Momma

Laughter. Kid-Style.

Some of my favorite moments of laughter are when the 12-yr-old spends the night. I was giggling so hard about the Halloween costumes we were coming up with for her yorkie poo, Bear: Justin Bei-bear, Beary Potter (complete with a scar!), and other fun tidbits. We also misheard each other during a conversation, thus it led to a funny quip, and I could NOT stop laughing as we worked out the miscommunication.

As adults, the nature of humor changes. It often falls in categories such as:

1. political satire

2. sarcasm (usually mean-spirited)

3. "haha, I'm smarter than you so I get this joke" joke-- I don't know what you call that humor, those of you smarter than the average bear about the history of humor can fill us in...and then make a joke of that naure, of course, since we wouldn't be as smart as you anyway ;)

4. dirty/raunchy

Yes, sometimes satire & sarcasm regarding world views are funny. Sometimes adult wit is cool and just plain hilarious. But silliness trumps it all.

Point being, it's fun (and important) to just enjoy silly stuff! Laugh at totally corny words. Get tears streaming down your face over a misunderstood word you exchange with someone. Spend an hour joking about what Halloween costumes you can make for your pet. No crude implication, no vicious intent, no jab at anything/one, no elitist front required.

There are probably many adults that forget that.

I probably would if it were not for the times like this in my life.

Thanks, niece. :)

Friends

The concept of friendship changes as we grow older. Our commitments to family (hopefully) deepen and our time away from them becomes that much more precious.

I've thought about my friendships often. I feel so very, very blessed to have my friends. And, yes, some go deeper than others. It's only natural-- we can only divide our time so much.

There are a handful of friends I have that time & space never change. Some of them I acquired very early in life, others blossomed in the throes of adulthood. Some friends I see regularly, and even if not, it is as if time is not existent. We 'get' it--- we realize that babies, husbands, in-laws, jobs sometimes keep our time apart more lengthy than we desire. I suppose if I were to list that category it centers around the Stringent gals (with Gena being a sister much further back), Lindy, Laura, Kevin, Erin, Nova.

I also have friends that I don't see nearly as much but our place in life naturally begins to coincide and we find we have so much common ground. I think particularly of Julie, who I spent a lot of today with. We had our baby boys two weeks apart & although we were already kindred spirits, our new play dates have made appointments together a fun priority. However, we often have to cancel on each other because a baby is sleeping, one of us is just plumb tired...and we 'get' it.

I think about those friends I see at hit-or-miss times, but I know their heart enough to know that we are true friends. We may say, "Let's get together soon!" and then not see each other for two months. The intentions are true & there, but the responsibilities I mentioned earlier supersede. I think of Crystal, who I rarely see except when I stop & say hello to her in the Barnes & Noble music section. I grew up with her in church, tho never knew her much until we were adults. She is such a light & I value that little bit o time we have together ever-so rarely. I think of Michelle (who sometimes visits the blog!) and comes to gigs. I just get so much joy from our small encounters!

That is it say, I often carry guilt for not following up on a passing mention to get together. I need to stop carrying that guilt. I am a social creature by nature, though these days I often find I'd rather just be home with baby, working on his nursing/sleeping schedules and making semi-attempts to keep this house up. ;)

I love these people I "just see in passing." Heck, another good example is a former co-worker & I that ran into each other on the bread aisle at Target. Lyndon was peaceful in his stroller & it allowed us to have a wonderful "catch-up" for a few minutes. I ended by telling her that she needs to come over one day, but I realize it may not happen any time soon. It's not about disliking the company...it's just a matter of what we can realistically make happen.

I suppose the magic of Facebook (and the occasional gigs that allow me to see several wonderful folk at one time) sometimes make me feel like I must try to make time with those people. Did I mention I pretty much suck at checking/answering my phone? :)

I guess all this rambling is to say...I don't think these friendships are insincere. They just are what they are. They are the intertwined lives, often with shared thoughts, ideas, goals that encourage each other on life's journey. They are often a part of us tho we don't arrange times to hang out. I enjoy meeting people & sharing on life's journey. It may be sporadic, but it is important. Communal. Uplifting.

Thank you to the friends I have-- the friends that know me better than I know myself, the friends I bump into here & there, the friends that I barely know that just make me smile when I see them. And thanks for reading my ramblings. ;)

More on Love...

And there are times when we have to make a choice: When is our love being expressed in a way that hinders or helps someone?

I've seen upfront how evil can take over a life of someone so precious to me. How the chemicals of the mind can be imbalanced. To a point, you must show them affection. At some point, when all other avenues have been explored, should you demonstrate "tough love"?

When someone is in the depths of confusion & depression and continues to make terrible choices, sometimes we must stand and say, "Enough!" We have to demonstrate that there are certain things we can not, will not, tolerate.

In the end it seems that is the only way to get through to them. We can't allow innocent bystanders to be in harm's way. This is true with alcoholism, depression, sexual misconduct, and a myriad of other areas of life that Satan thrives.

It is tough to know how to handle these delicate situations. Overall, it seems prayer and steadfast meditation are the only ways to find the answers. This is when I don't know how someone can not turn to a Higher Power and believe, truly believe.

Thinking About Love

So, got some ideas tossin' around this morning. Gotta write a bit down. Guess what really got the ol' noggin' churning was the minutes I spent staring at my son as I hoped he would fall back asleep after our first early morning feed. (don't you know the sacred Saturday rituals yet, o ye little one?). :)

Often in moments like those I just can't stop thinking about how much I LOVE this little human. Seriously, such deep love that I wanna cry.

But...I don't believe you merely birth a child to know what love is. That's one of those 'icing on the cake' deals. So is a really happy romantic love. Or being lucky enough to be born in a loving family. No, understanding love, true love, goes much deeper than that.

Have you ever had to work on loving someone that completely drives you crazy (ok, I suppose a mother understands that in the teen years, ha)? Have you ever found yourself staring down the barrel of a loaded gun--the one we often call 'sin'--because someone dear to you is making horrible choices? Have you ever had to try to continue to love your SELF because you were making horrible choices?

What about brotherly love to someone you have a hard time seeing as your 'brother' because society puts us all in pretty, little, labeled boxes.

What about a friend who is in the grips of depression/alcoholism/sickness/(insert more crap here). Tempting to kinda just slide out of the picture, huh? Yes, it is. Love is staying there. REALLY staying there, not just the lip service of it. That is so. frickin'. hard.

I saw a musical that is centered around the concept of love last night. I know, most any artform is centered around that theme. It's what inspires art, after all. The musical really made me reflect on my first teaching job in east OKC & the challenges of trying to love some of those kiddos that wanted to run as far away from love as humanly possible. (The school focused on teens that had already been to jail and/or juvy and they'd all been "labeled 'ED' "). Man, those kids wanted love SO much that they would use every fiber of their being to run away from it. And a few very special people there illustrated to me what love is. The challenging kind.

How can we experience the 'icing on the cake' moments--or, rather, appreciate them to the fullest--without first realizing how sacred & amazing love truly is? I don't know if we can. Hmmm, one of the questions of philosophy class 101 that always nagged me the most as a believer (in God) was trying to understand adversities of the world & why we must experience them. Why would a loving God allow certain things to go down. Devil or not. Perhaps this helps me make just a miniscule amount of sense with that.

(But I still don't know why innocent children fall victim to awful things. Help me on that one, God. I need your wisdom there because I get super pissed off. Thanks).

That is not to belittle the 'lovables' in our lives. We need lovable people to make us strong. We need optimism to fuel our fire to love the unlovables. At the end of the day, we are all so very, very lovable. Some people have just buried it a little deeper than others.

So, I give thanks to experiences

--within family, friends, on the job---

that teach me more about love. Isn't that why we are all here anyway?

Fragments of Friday

This is not a regular series by any means. And technically it's now Saturday. Tan & I had a bit of a dramatic night, but all is good. My mom said she'd watch Lyndon while we attended a musical in Guthrie (I may review it later, too tired now).

Anyway, being the good lil' theater patrons we are, we had our phones off til the end of the show at 11 pm. Only then did we learn that my mom's transformer had blown out--- and with no electricity & AC, it soon become difficult to stay there with a little one. To add to the adventure, my cousins from Austin were in town and stopped by my mom's to meet Lyndon. There were 4 little girls running around with no lights on (fun!).

Eventually, my mom & brother had to make the careful call to swaddle up Lyndon and head to my sister's across town. I won't speculate on the safety of that, and hope my dear readers won't as well. But, like I said the night the tornado sirens went off & I was without carseat---you gotta do what ya gotta do.

So at close to 11:30 I arrived at Amy's to find Lyndon smiling in his sleep, cradled in Ryann's arms. She's 12. She said she held him for an hour & her arm was tired. ;)

Letter to Lyndon #3:

Dear Lyndon,

Tonight Daddy & I got to go on a date. Yes, the dinner portion was Taco Bell due to time constraints, but we took in some theater and enjoyed the quaint little town of Guthrie. (We'll go stroll those streets one day & have a playdate with the Fortneys).

Even tho your Mema's power went out, she took good care of you. Your Uncle Mark, Uncle Phillip, Aunt Amy, and 3 cousins loved getting to spend some time with you! Your cousin Aubrey, who is currently 3 (going on 16) is just enamored with you! She loves to (try) to pinch your cheeks and tell you how cute you are.

You are loved by all of your family, the Hubberts and the Curls, and it is easy to see why. You bring joy to everyone you encounter.

Love, Momma

2 months

Lyndon is two months old today! His little personality gets bigger every day. This week we began an actual 'bedtime' with him and it has made life better for several reasons. For us, we now know that there will be a time each night that we actually have together (Tanner and I, just to clarify). For him, it is wonderful....who'd have thought? He is actually less fussy now because of the routine. He actually has better naps during the day! I think once I got past the hard part--letting him be those first two nights--I learned this routine is better for all 3 of us!

Letter to Lyndon #2:

Dear Lyndon,

Daddy put you to bed at your designated time the first three nights. Mommy just couldn't bear it! I had to go outside & talk on my phone to distract myself from the idea that you may possibly cry & need/want me! However, you only cried a bit one of those nights---the other two you just konked out as if you've been waiting for this!

Tonight I put you to bed. After a bath (in the bath tub now, woohoo!) we had one more feeding & diaper, then off to your room. I prayed with you; your first bedtime prayer. When I opened my eyes, you were just smiling at me with that wide-mouthed grin that I have come to love more than anything in the world. I couldn't help but think you understood my words. You knew God was listening. Then I sang you a song. You were so happy!

You, sweet boy, have brought so much joy to me for two straight months. Ok, even before that, but I am speaking of your post-womb days. ;) Keep growing strong & teaching me what love is. Love always, Momma

Time slips away...

...when you are caring for an infant full time. I am amazed at how many things become instinctual as a mother. You know what I am talking about. It makes sense. You spend (almost) every waking hour with your little one, so every nuance of their behavior makes sense to you. I knew that today our little one was just not 'himself' and I think we found the root of the problem: a diaper rash that got a bit out of hand. Think we got the problem worked out, and thankfully he is sleeping well & hopefully feeling better by the minute.

Lyndon is almost 7 weeks old. I'd say I can't believe it, but I guess I actually can. :) He is well on his way to new milestones, and I can't wait. I'm ready for the personality to unfold. Kinda like a little budding flower. This morning, for instance, I got a genuine smile. Not the one you see when they are just kinda 'reflexing' and going through their muscle memory...but a smile that was specifically targeted at his momma. Wide and happy. I loved it so much & could've had that moment stretch out just a bit longer.

When I DO actually get around to blogging, I'd like to begin writing letters to Lyndon. Letters that I'll save outside of the internet and share with him when the time is right. Hmmm, what would I say tonight?

Dear Lyndon,

These past 6 1/2 weeks have been life-changing. Yes, certainly in the way I spend my time. My days revolve around feeding you, changing you, cuddling you. Soothing your cries. Yet my life has changed in a new way. You have brought me a new purpose, a new love. Your daddy & I have new conversations. Sure, we find occasional moments to banter about the state of the world, music, and philosophy. However, much more of the time is spent talking about how cute & wonderful you are. We sit back & marvel at how blessed our lives have become with you in them. We were so scared to become parents, but it all made sense when you came into the world.

I still have so much to learn about being your mommy. However, I don't fret about that. Nature--God--has a way of working that out. The motivation to do the best job I can is higher than any incentive I can think of.

I love you!

~Mommy

Yes, it's 3:45 am...

I am merely blogging as I wait for my pain relief medicine to kick in. I am experiencing pain lately that I can't talk about here. I still am convinced that only a handful of people read this, all women, but it IS the internet, after all. I'll only say that those of you withOUT curves have it way better than you could ever know!

Anyhoo, Lyndon has been so fussy over the past 48 hours. Poor buddy. I suspect his little digestive system is giving him pain. The nurse is having me eliminate all dairy to see if we can rule that out. Man o man, how I miss cheese, milk, yogurt. This sucks. But I'll do anything to find out if there is a little issue creeping up for my precious boy.

This afternoon I had the worst breakdown I've had as a new momma. I don't know who was crying harder--Lyndon or Lisa. ;) Granted, I am sure part of my tears were just needed from me...I took my last final that morning after cramming the night before (I am still SO thankful my momma kept the baby that night...I would've failed the test without that, no doubt). My body is just worn out! And it just hurt my heart so bad to see Lyndon crying (hard) tears that I couldn't soothe. Diaper change, check. Fed, check. Bouncing around, check. I am glad I called my momma again; my sister & mom swooped down to the city faster than you can say Edmond, Oklahoma. Those two ladies may not "get" me in many, many ways...but I'm finding that now that I am a mom, they are extremely understanding & helpful. After all, this IS their area of expertise! And surely not mine! I mean, I've got all those baby books....but who the heck has time to READ that crap when you are tired, studying for school, and breastfeeding? Seriously? :)

My other noteworthy Lyndon mention here is this....he fussed & did not sleep all day. His daddy got him to sleep at 6:30 pm. Then I kid you not, that boy slept 7.5 hours!! I kept staying awake thinking he'd start crying at any moment, ready to eat. Finally, by 11:30, I fell asleep. I awoke at 1:30 & realized he STILL had not woken up (sometimes Tanner does an expressed bottle at night, but the bottle was untouched). Ok, getting close to 8 hours for a 4 week old? That scared me. I mean, he was breathing, he looked content, he even had a cute baby snore going on....but I wasn't sure if it was SAFE for an itty bitty baby to go that long without feeding.

Hence, my first "after hours" med call. Question: Do I wake him up?

By the time the triage nurse returned my call, Lyndon had squirmed & I got him up to feed. He didn't cry at all. He just drank & basically went back to sleep! Nurse lady said everything sounded fine, but if he sleeps past 6 hours again it may be good to wake him. Then again, we both laughed about the fact that it is a BLESSING to have them sleep so well at night.

Only wish I'd had known at 6:30 pm that he'd be asleep so long...momma would've gotten a LONG nap. Ugh.

Night-night. Or whatever time of day/night it is. Does it really matter to a new mom? :)

Lyndon's First Adventure

His first outta state trip: Dallas, TX. Not mommy's favorite city by any means, but it's fun to try our first family travel! My rip on Dallas is this: I know there are cool/trendy areas (ie, Greenville, Lovers Lane, Lakewood)...but is all the traffic worth it? I am sure if you live in these little areas it feels smaller, but all & all, Dallas is just too big to feel homey and communal.

*Here is Lyndon this morning while lying on the hotel bed. Today he is 23 days old!

That being said, Tanner's best friend lives in Dallas & got married yesterday. The outdoor wedding (on White Rock Lake) had some minor bumps...a sudden downpour of rain RIGHT when the bride was to walk down & very close tornado sirens RIGHT when they were pronounced man and wife. I think it is an omen for a great marriage...the picture-perfect wedding that goes without a hitch sometimes mean the couple was keeping up appearances, right? ;)

Lyndon has had fussier nights as he's gotten older. However, he was great on this trip. Only one stressful time....he got upset in the car while I was trying to find my way back to our hotel from the reception. Screaming baby while following directions=stress!!

Now as I sit here on our huge, comfy bed...Lyndon yawns then smiles as he drifts in and out of sleep. He is just so super duper cute....I wanna stare at him at night and sometimes it keeps me up. ;) Today is May 1st.....he is almost a month old. NO!!

I love you so very, very much, Lyndon James!!

Enjoying the Outdoors

I am typing this from my porch while Tanner & Kevin plant multiple goodies in our garden. We now have a raised garden to go along with our traditional garden. Tonight we've got carrots, tomatoes, okra, cucumbers, jalapenos, and bell peppers going in! We already had a few different varieties of onions. Finally....my dream: A little family & a plentiful garden. ;) (we'll see what actually comes to fruition with the garden!)

It is true...I recall living in Austin for one lonely year. I believe it would've been 2003. I say 'lonely' because though I was in one of the most amazing US cities (in my opinion)...I was not living the life I truly wanted. Granted, I was young, naive, and barely aware of what I really wanted in life. I didn't have many relationships while there, particularly outside of the really unhealthy dating one I was involved in. Yet I would drive through one of my favorite little neighborhoods--Bryker Woods--and imagine the little life I wanted for myself: a charming little cottage home, a wonderful & amazing husband, maybe a little bambino or two, and a plentiful garden. Really, that was what I considered to be "the good life." I was in the beginning stages of playing music, and dating someone that was truly chasing the dream (& quite talented I should add)...but the woman working in her little garden, that was what truly seemed like the ideal life to me. Perhaps it was that dream that led me back to my good ol' hometown (or at least near it) where I had wonderful relationships...and little did I know a wonderful husband that I was waiting to meet.

And now I sit here looking at all the green plants, and watching the baby monitor to see if my precious little bambino is about to stir, and realize that I have it all. This is the good life.

Happy Good Friday, Happy Earth Day....enjoy a wet Easter weekend!

Adrenaline Gone

It caught up with me....I was literally runnin' on about 30 minutes of sleep per night. And adrenaline. And, naturally, the body has to give. For me, the breakdown came in the form of laryngitis. I had to have Tanner make a few phone calls on my behalf---one to my mom to let her know how Lyndon's blood test for jaundice went (he's fine!).

It's not Lyndon at all. Like I mentioned prior, he is SUCH a good baby thus far. It is ME. Prior to pregnancy, I already had insomnia. And when I'm excited about something, or nervous, or happy...sometimes I want to lay in bed and THINK instead of SLEEP. Heck, that is why I even started writing songs so many years ago---sleepless nights! Thus, the hardest thing about a newborn is myself!!

But last night I caved and just took a (or rather 1.5) Tylenol PMs. Worked like a charm! I got two 3-hour pockets of sleep. This is heaven compared to 30 minutes!! I still know I need to take it easier than I have been. My friends are AWESOME & get that and have been texting instead of calling so that I don't use my speaking voice. I want them to hang out so bad, but they know better than I that I'd ramble on and end up losing my voice yet again. My friends really, really get me. (Funny, it's the acquaintances in my life that are more persistent about trying to come over & what-not...and I'd much rather talk to my close friends!)

So, anyway, with newfound energy....and less crying from lack of sleep...I feel like a better momma. Tan & I gave Lyndon his first little bath in the sink. No soap, just a little cloth & water action to ward off the spit up. It was fun!

Now, being the good girl I am trying to be, I will shut this down & go get a nap while baby sleeps! Here's to more & more sleep so I get better & better at this job!

Parents. Newbies, that is.

Wow, I am sleeping so much better since we've been home! The (in)famous first night home as parents really wasn't too sleep-depriving. (Thank you, God!) I had heard horror stories. But, honestly, just getting out of that hospital bed & room after 4 days straight of staring at those walls was very refreshing. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for the long hospital stay--I am sure my body needed it--but nothin' like home sweet home.

And here I sit for a very quick write up on night 2 of Back Home with Lyndon. Tanner & I make a great tag team thus far. I (try to) stay in bed for most duties since I was told at Mercy that I was trying to be too active too soon post-surgery. I just say Tanner's name & he hears it in the baby monitor, and he promptly comes to the bedroom to get Lyndon for a diaper change. Seriously, Tanner has the changes down to an art form. Then he brings baby back for me to feed. And though we hit a few recent feeding snags, I think they are getting hammered out & breastfeeding (BF) is going quite well.

Lyndon had been the apple of the lactation specialist's eye at Mercy, but that was before the monumental milk arrival. The ball game changed then. :) I know now why they say BF is a commitment. I honestly don't know how women who work full time even attempt to pull it off!

Tanner's mother is ready to help us at any moment's notice, and today she took me on my first postpartum outing. Specialty bra store & Target for nursing tanks. (Again, BF is an all-consuming commitment). Those errands were enough to exhaust me. Not to mention we both could not help but miss Lyndon. We made a quick Sonic drink run & headed home to see how the boys were doing. Ya know, I didn't doubt Tanner being on his own for a second. He's already such a good daddy & if anything, I predict he'll be the logical, discerning parent when it comes to the initial newborn scares that new parents all deal with. I'll be the nut case. Haha.

Ok, that's it for my little journal log. Gonna go back to shut the ol' eyes. I am sure another feeding is just around the corner. And we gotsta be extra diligent because at 8:45 this morn Lyndon will see his pediatrician. I've been a good little momma & have logged all his feeds & poos...now we just hope that the doctor tells us all is going well with baby boy thus far.

One thing is for sure: Lyndon has the sweetest little temperament. I hesitate to gloat too much because I may jinx it, but he just goes with the flow in most situations. Perhaps it may help that Tanner & I are flooding him with kisses every 5 minutes? Who knows! But keep it up, baby boy! Your mother & father appreciate your calm nature more than you could ever know!!

Lyndon. Love.

Wow, has my world changed since the last entry. Here we sit at April 10, 2011. It is 6 am. I am in a hospital room with a sleeping husband to my left. I watch his shoulder heave slowly up & down. 'Happy Anniversary, love,' I send his messy bedhead with my thoughts.

I look directly down and nestled so comfy & cozy between the pillow that props this writing utensil & myself is 6 lbs and 7 ozs of the most perfect living thing I've ever laid eyes on. (he's lost a bit o' weight since birth).

Lyndon James. His little right hand clutches at the elastic top of my pale blue nightgown (the one I bought just for this occasion). He ever-so-slightly squirms. With his belly full of colostrum and the memory of a sweet little burp he did in my face as I settled him into a cozy spot, his tiny shoulders heave up and down. 'Happy Anniversary, love, ' I send his little black-haired head. 'Happy 3rd Anniversary of the best 3 days of my life!'

Yes, I could've blogged last night, the official night of absolutely zero real sleep. No real sleep because even though the sweet nurse took him to the nursery twice, I just laid there & marveled at how amazing all of this has already been. I also marveled at how crazy modern medicine is to think that only a few hours before I had been sliced open, only now to be stitched up & holding the living thing that was once inside me. With the post-surgery drugs and my emotions/hormones running high, perhaps it is best that I DID NOT blog. Yes, in the middle of the night I cried just a little because I was so stinkin' happy. (and tired. and delirious) I could not quite fathom just how or why God bestowed such an amazing gift to me. On loan, of course.

Lyndon James Hubbert, I can not promise I'll get everything right. Not even close. Shoot, I've already done a couple of really crappy post-poo poo diaper swaddles that I am certain the nurses tried not to snicker at. I am certain there will be more whole-hearted, short-falling mommy maneuvers over the next several years.

But I know this much: nothing at all can describe, replace, remove, or overshadow this immense love that God already placed in my heart for you. I only hope to try to show it to you through my actions of affection, discipline, conversation, gifts, surprises, rules...

Tanner, one year ago today I married you. And now the three of us sit here in this hospital room, about to begin a new adventure.

I love both of these guys so much & my heart just may burst.

The End. (cue the happily ever after music)

bump in the night

Here are a few bumps from last night's dinner with Whitney. We took these picks in the middle of Penn Square & unassumingly created a tiny scene. One guy walked by & stuck out his gut and wanted to know if he could join us. Thanks, dude. ;)

Isn't Whitney just the cutest little preggo? She will most likely be meeting baby Jack a few days before I meet my bundle. How fun!

Fragments of Friday

I've not been good about implementing a 'series' of sorts...so here is Volume II of FoF in hopes that I do it a bit more:

-It is a GORGEOUS Friday! The sun hid from us almost all week, so on this April Fool's Day most of us are feeling pretty good. No foolin'!

-I bought a lot of groceries for a 'stock up' recently but I am going out for food a lot...gonna grab Italian with some gals tonight, cookout at Tanner's boss's house tomorrow for lunch, my sis is making steaks for everyone tomorrow night. I'm not complaining, I want to do all these things while I still feel like it! I may not get around to using the onion & lettuce up before they go bad, and I'm fairly OCD about trying to use everything I buy, but it's all good. ;)

-the girls tonight are not my usual "crew"...well, aside from Jenn! ...but Whitney & I are only 3 days apart on our due dates & we've been wanting to hook up pre-babies so she invited me to tag along with her & Jenn's best pals. I do know them & they are super fun and humorous. And how fun to introduce our bumps. Haha.

-I am now reading Uncle Tom's Cabin on my ereader and a silly romance novel in paper. I'm also starting "What to Expect the First Year." Throw in some People magazine, and you can see my ADD reading habits come to life.

-I always SAY I'm gonna take a nap & never do. I tend to lay around and read/think/boob tube nap time. But, man, this week, I can sleep like a BABY when given the chance! No pun intended.

-Said naps must make up for the 3 am, 4 am, 5 am bathroom trips I take every night.

-I always TRY to quit drinking any liquid by 9 pm. It is SO hard! I love me lots of water & juice at night! I usually cut it off officially by 9:15. Life would be easier if my curfew was 8 pm.

-May have some new delivery news on the homefront. May not be delivering the way I had been preparing/planning to. More on that once I see my doc next week & get the official word. I trust him & know he will do what is best for baby and me, so that is all I can say to that.

-That being said, in a world where the due date is actually the official date, and we don't count the rest of today...........I'LL MEET MY SON IN 14 DAYS!!

Lauryn Hill Zion

I'll be glad when my hormones are back in check. I am working on my "labor & delivery iPod mix" today and when I got to this song, tears were pouring.

Well, ok....this song used to make me cry way before even getting pregnant. I'm gonna be a big ball of emotion when I meet my little guy. You may wanna steer clear of me if you don't like sappy! ;)

18 days, 18 years

Tomorrow, the official count to my due date comes in at 18 days!

Then, for the next 18 years, may Tanner & I guide this little boy to the best of our abilities. (amen)

Of course, I am certain there will be much more beyond the 18 years...it's just that at that point we can tell him to get a job, move out, buy his own insurance. Haha.

I'll start with proper feeding & diapering first I suppose. ;)

Speaking of, I met baby Judah on Friday & was in awe of how tiny his little diaper was while Julie changed him. He was only 4 days old when I met him! He was so sweet when I held him. Guess I'll be doing that with my little one soon. Wild...

hey Judah!

Ok, let the baby-poppin' begin! I know a handful of 2nd & 3rd trimester mommys-to-be and today one of those ladies gave birth! She's a sweet, sweet friend---Julie.

Welcome to the world, Judah Caleb Arter!! He was born in the early afternoon.

Now, she was due roughly 2 weeks before me. She had him a week early. In other words...

I NEED TO GET SOME CLASS PROJECTS DONE & GET MY BAG PACKED!! Baby just may be on his way very soon!

*ahem* ok, now that the frantic feeling has subsided...I'll leave with this: As of tomorrow, the 'official' count is 24 days!

Lazzzzy

We just arrived at our fancy hotel in Tulsa. We just wanted to get away, in case we can't again! Only 3 weekends between me & my due date...and somewhere in there is our first anniversary! So, here we are. Yes, I'm taking the time to write a quick blog while Tanner is working our our evening plans. I'm pretty go-with-the-flow...I told him I'll go do whatever, but will also promptly request we go home if I get tired. I do that a lot now. ;) I think a nice dinner, maybe a movie, and then we'll just lounge in the room. The bed is comfy & it's actually calling my name for a nap after this blog...

Last night I did something I never do anymore: stayed out past 10 pm! That's right, my wild night out! :) I thought the big night on the town was gonna be me at the bookstore hearing the Stringents til roughly 9 pm. I thought for sure my aching, swollen feet would be checkin out by then. However, I really enjoyed seeing my friends & just some of the acquaintances that come out to Full Circle regularly. I enjoyed it all so much that when Sarah said "the girls" were taking the party to Will's, I was game. We had a great time just laughing. It was a kind of "throwback" to our pre-mommy (or pre-pregnancy) selves. It is so RARE that those girls can all just hang like that on a given weekend night so I knew we had to cherish it!

Tanner didn't know what to think when HE got home at 11 pm & I was still gone. He started calling a lot, thinking something must be wrong. (He knows I keep my phone on vibrate 90% of the time so he wanted to make sure I saw it). I excused myself to call him & assured him I wasn't kidnapped somewhere, just having a lot of fun.

Geez-louise, I need to get out more! Ah well, laying in bed when you've got a new 50 pounds sticking out from your abdomen (among other places) really isn't a shabby option. Yet it's nice to know I can still have fun once & a while. :)

Happy lazy Saturday!

**update: 26 days until my due date!

countdown...

31 days til my due date. Whoa.

I filled out my pre-admission hospital form last night. Guess I will pack a little bag this week. It's Spring Break in my world (I will forever live by a "kid calendar" since I'll always either be a student or work in schools). I have so many things I am hoping to tackle this week!

However, Monday--first official day off--the focus will be celebrating a very special friend's birthday. We wanted to do the zoo--her 18-month old will be joining us--but looks like it'll be too cold and/or wet. So we'll start with a Panera breakfast & then do whatever she wants next.

Last night Tanner & I had a great date night. Originally, we were gonna see a movie, but we both lost interest--and then we picked Chuck E Cheese. I always save their coupons in case we get the random urge for skee ball & old 80s arcade games. (Chuck E's has done little update since I was a kid). However, on the way there, we passed what used to be Incredible Pizza. I didn't realize it had been replaced already, though I knew it was gone.

It's now Gatti Land...which, to me, seemed much more promising, as I knew the Mr. Gatti chain (you'll find them in Texas) had good pizza. We enjoyed a good buffet for $6.99 a piece. (twas much better than IP). Then we bought token cards--right now pay $10 and get $11.50's worth. We did a round of putt putt, played lots of arcade games, skee balled, and had a good ol time. If I do the math of what we would've spent on our original dinner & movie plan, this was a tad cheaper and much more fun. I told Tan I want to do it just ONE more time before baby. We've worked really hard at conserving money because our current situation demands it---but nights like this are important, I believe, once & again.

Speaking of conserving, dear friend G told me about her potential plans to forego cable & home phone. I say go for it! Tanner & I have neither and don't even miss them for a minute. Cable packages will be obsolete in another year or so. I can't imagine how much $$ they add up to after a year's time. I haven't lived in a home with cable in about 7 years! And I still know what goes on in the world! ;)

I do not claim to be any less addicted to stupid TV...we watch things online & there's plenty o' trash on network TV...but I would imagine slimming down your options at the touch of a button is a bit better on the brain. Sometimes, the only decent choice is a documentary on PBS, and I like that. Besides, Facebook is my addiction...do I really need another? ;)

Fragments of Friday

So, my new little series that could possibly last one week only. ;) The gist of the idea comes from seeing a few blogs that have the Random Thoughts Thursday motif. I'm thinking you started that trend, G?

So, without further adieu, here are some fragmented thoughts:

1. tsunami in Japan, largest in modern world...and now I watch as the local news reports outrageous wildfires on our turf. weather is king today. i really, really feel for people in both situations. i am sure more lives were lost in the East today, but it's all no good. ;(

2. I was a fortunate soul who did NOT find myself in a weather crisis...and, actually, it has been a beautiful, fun day. Light housework while i watched snippets of Ellen, a pedicure so i can start donning some flips (AND a girl's gotta be ready in case she goes into labor, ya know?)...oh and I'll 'fragment' here to say there is such a GREAT place in Edmond that was doing $15 spa pedis. yup, $15!! sadly, they just went up to $20. Still, I guarantee it's the cheapest you'll find (with the quality).

3. I was getting into my car after said pedi when a large gust of wind literally blew my car door outta my hands & into the lexus next to me. OH NO! I checked the damage right away. My red paint was on her grey car, so i knew that more than likely i bore the brunt of the incident. I rubbed...yes, it was coming off!

I am human. I had to stop & gather my thoughts...see, i've been toying with the definition of integrity so much this week. Doing what is 'right' even when it's small, when no one is looking, when it really possibly couldn't matter. The way i act to complete strangers that i'll never see again. And, of course, the way i act to those i care about most. None of us are perfect; we miss opportunities to have integrity all the time. Earlier this week, I felt I didn't handle a parking ticket (UCO loves those) situation with as much integrity as I should've. I justified my own actions in my head, so when I tried to argue it, I don't think I was as honest as I should've been. I didn't flat-out lie...but I omitted a fact that would've mattered. Same thing, right? I really, really beat myself up about that...I told Tanner he should've found a wife with more integrity. (that's also the same night he shaved my legs for me....he helped bring me out of my funk, thanks hon).

And today...i knew that although her car was going to most likely be fine, and i was running late to meet the hubs for lunch, and it was gonna be awkward to go back in to the spa...i HAD to do it.

"Anybody drive a grey Lexus?" I called out to about 8 pampered ladies.

The nursing, new mom getting a pedi spoke up. I went & explained what happened, feeling like a kiddo who just broke the cookie jar. At first she looked worried, but when I told her I think my car got the damage, not hers....she relaxed. I offered my insurance & she waved me off and told me it was no problem. She thanked me for taking the time to be honest & let her know. I still left my number on her windshield...what if i missed something in my damage assessment?

Now i just have to pray she isn't frivolous & decides we need to buy her a $600 new part or something! Please let the fact that I did the 'right' thing not bite me in the butt. :)

4. #3 was a long fragmented thought. i don't know if that counts as a fragment.

5. I love driving with the top down & my little dog in the passenger seat. He looks SO happy when he gets to go to the post office with me. ;)

6. I have more energy now. This is almost foreign to me. I have spent almost every night since August either a) lying in bed to watch TV/read/study or b)wishing I was lying in bed to watch TV/read... and recently I have that ol' itch to go out! Is that supposed to happen in your last 5 weeks of preggo-ville?

7. We just fixed the radio in the VW after a 2-month hiatus. This is a very good thing.

8. I had thought about giving something up for Lent. Then I decided a third-trimester pregnant woman shouldn't give up anything. Haven't I already? :) I never even did the Lent thing growing up, only started observing it last year. The "giving up" idea can be anytime, the point is to honor God & your discreet fast is the reminder. So, perhaps after pregnancy I'll do some sort of fast. I know, I know! I'll give up sleep! :)

Lisa Hannigan - Ocean And A Rock

This version makes my heart happy.

Slice o bliss.

Night Class

Tanner & I had a Child Care class tonight.

**by the way, this is unofficially a "countdown to baby" & all things prenatal kinda blog for the next month...you are allowed to move forward if this bores you, I just wanna look back on a journal of it all someday** :)

That reminds me: 43 days til my due date!

Anyway, I gave Tanner the "free pass" for us to leave the class early. It was to last until 9:30...and Tanner has not sleep well at all for 2 nights now. I thought he was gonna fall asleep in his lunch today when I went to meet him at noon!

Honestly, I already knew from a previous class that they were most likely not gonna teach us anything that we didn't already know from: a) friends & fam, particularly since I've been a very involved aunt of 3 little girls! or b) the plethora of baby books I've checked out from the library.

I just like to go to the classes for a bit of visual/hands-on learning & to hear other questions new moms are bouncing around. BUT I wasn't up for sitting still in a hard chair for a long time myself. ;)

Yet Tanner didn't ever try to get us to leave. In fact, he did two things that I was quite proud of: 1. He swaddled & diapered our fake baby way better than me.

2. He called out the douche-wad that kept leaving his wife/girlfriend alone during the key hands-on parts....not to mention took a few opportunities to publicly jab his (future) mother-in-law.

Let me just explain, the guy was wearing one of those "sweat proof" athletic-type shirts with some grey slacks. Already a strike, right? Then he pulled out his iPhone & just surfed the net the WHOLE time the teacher showed slides & lectured. That was when he was IN the room. He mostly just got up & left.

I didn't hear the "make fun of my baby momma's momma" time because I went to the bathroom (for the 32nd time). But Tanner was talking about how sorry he felt for the girl because her face turned red.

Tanner is gonna be a good daddy, I can tell.

I will spare the details here of how all the poop/snot talk kinda left me thinking, "What in the WORLD have we gotten ourselves into??"

It's not so much the yuck factor. It's more of the...how in the world do I always know what to do? Can I read the right signals when he's sick/tired/hungry? How will I know if he is in true danger?

It ain't rocket science...right? Come on, my next door neighbor's 16-yr-old granddaughter who used to constantly sneak out her window (or have boys sneak in) manages to keep her now-toddler baby healthy/safe. Not saying that things are ideal over there on the ghetto side of my casa, but when I occasionally see that little girl, she appears to be happy & healthy in the basic sense. SURELY I can do this!

**note to teen girls: studies show sneaking out/having boys sneak in leads to a baby.

Ok, nighty-night!

Tomorrow March Begins...

...which most likely marks the last (full) month of not being a mother. As in, April marks the first month of, yes, the beginning of a new era for me--- motherhood. As in, there will be a little life that I've been bestowed the God-given responsibility of teaching, loving, nurturing, comforting...wow, I could analyze this some more & make it seem like it is the most amazing thing on the planet.

But it happens every minute, every day, right?

Yet...it's still pretty much the most amazing thing on the planet.

As I write this, I watch my abdomen "roll" around & move on it's own. Yup, still pretty much the most amazing thing on the planet.

Tonight I had a tiny scare that really wasn't all that scary. I called my nurse to explain a few symptoms I was experiencing & she had me go to Labor & Delivery at the hospital just to have a quick test done to make sure there was not a rupture. I am 33 1/2 weeks, so definitely don't want to be starting the labor process just yet.

I went, called Tanner to keep him in the loop, got checked out...and I'm fine. I remained calm. This is good news for me. I am very anxiety-prone when it comes to my health. I am quite a nurturer when it comes to someone else experiencing a medical issue...when it comes to myself, I worry too easily. I am working on this. I've learned that it is probably because I lose a sense of control that I like to have. In somatic situations, I need to learn to trust more.

Yet today, there was a sense of peace. I knew that everything was most likely fine. I was just following my OB nurse's advice & taking care of my baby. Now I can sleep tonight knowing that everything is ok. Naw, I don't have all the baby gear yet, the room is not finished, still have some baby care & breastfeed classes, still not sure if I even CAN breastfeed, not certain about the financial details of everything before baby comes....but I know baby is growing just fine inside of me. And that makes all else irrelevant to this momma. Yup...this momma. I'm gonna be one of those. Weird!

Yeah, new life. It's pretty much the most amazing thing on the planet.

While We're on the Subject...

Speaking of underdogs & gymnasiums...felt like posting this video up that I will NEVER grow tired of seeing. Someone sent it to me 2 years ago & it still gets me every time. Sometimes when I begin to doubt the human spirit, I watch this. ;)

Ok, enough kleenex moments for a while, I promise!

This Would Be Me With or Without the Hormones...

So, Tan & I ate dinner in front of the TV tonight. I can't lie, we do it a lot lately. I'll go ahead & further admit our guilty pleasure & say tonight's fare alongside the turkey lasagna (note: beef may be best left in lasagna): American Idol. Ok, I won't go on a big tangent to explain why I just don't get into American Idol. I loved that very first season & even got a bit emotional when Kelly Clarkson won many moons ago....but I just lost interest after that. (Kinda like the interest I lost in Glee after Season 1...another time, another time).

Yet tonight American Idol was quite intriguing because of the structure. It was a night when the 168 "finalists" had to sing with self-structured groups to get through the next round. It was interesting to watch the way so many 'strong' personalities came together to do this. Any that have been in a band, sang in a group, played with an ensemble know how that can be. Feelings easily hurt, clashes evolve, etc.

Ok, so fast forward to the heart-wrenching situation: a young boy (age 15) who is most likely already an "outcast" at school back home--but has a tender, sweet voice--is in a group of strong personalities. After hours of rehearsal, the group decides to ask him to leave for "pitch reasons." His off-key notes may be legit, the editing of AI--as usual--doesn't tell the whole story of course. But you just see his face fall as he tries to be strong & tells them, "That's ok, I'll find another group."

Another group finally takes him in & he literally has a couple of hours to learn a song he's never heard in his life. (add nerves & cameras to a situation like that, & I'm certain memorization is hard). Long story short, the group sings quite well, it gets to his part-- Jacee is his name-- and he just plumb forgets those words. He sings well, but just using lyrics that are obviously made up. The judges question it & the story of what had happened emerges. Then the judges have everyone step forward but him (usually a sign he is going to be cut)...and at the last moment they call him forward & say they all made the cut. Man, tears just instantly stream down his sweet face. The 5 or 6 seconds that he is standing in back, alone, while his "teammates" are all feeling certain they are going on without him---uggh, it is painful to watch. You just imagine that he is feeling that immense rejection all over again. His tears, it is revealed, are of such profound relief & gratitude that the judges kept him in. I was blubbering myself. Seriously, if you were watching, I don't know how you couldn't have been. This was not hormones, people! :)

My mind instantly turned back to 7th grade gym class. I'll never forget it. A classmate I'll call Larry was in my gym class. It was one of the few 'regular' classes he had all day--the rest spent in special education. He did not have Down Syndrome or another disability that is immediately obvious to most fellow students. Looking back as an adult (and a special educator) I would guess he had been under the LD label and was just a slow processor across many academic areas. Thinking back now, I am certain his socioeconomic status was a huge factor...he didn't ever appear to have many clothes and what he did have was worn.

On this particular spring day, Larry was wearing striped tube socks that went up to his knees, along with some worn shorter shorts. While today it'd be considered ultra-retro-hip (70s hippie for sure), in the early 90s...it was not a cool look to 13-yr-olds in Edmond, OK. And good ol' Rhett noticed. Man, I'm tempted to reveal the actual name of "Rhett." I mean, 4 people read my blog, only one of which graduated with me. And Rhett was brutal & snobbish & all those things that make middle school so very hard. However, I will not publicly slaughter someone for something they did when they were a 7th grader. My hope is that he's changed. A lot.

So, Rhett starts pointing & laughing at Larry, getting other "popular" guys in on it. Rhett was influential--definitely one of wealthiest kids in an affluent school, very good-looking, threw the cool parties. Kids joined in with him. My blood boiled so hot I still feel my fists start to clench when I recall that moment from so long ago. That split second when I saw Larry's face fall, almost like a deer in headlights, not knowing what to do next...something happened in me. A creature formed. Almost a beast of sorts.

God bless my fiesty Grandmother Curl, I think I channeled her---I marched up to Rhett & told him off til the cows came home. In front of the jocks in the gym. I didn't cuss, but looking back I wish I would've. (Dang my conservative upbringing that still sticks with me in some weird ways). I don't remember how the rest of that moment went down--I talked to Larry a bit & told him to brush it off--but I do remember that most of the "popular" boys didn't give me the time of day the rest of that spring. Rhett was flat-out mean to me in science class. Come to think of it, I didn't really care much for or socialize much with most of them the remaining school years. There were exceptions, of course...grew up with & always thought just fine of Rob, and gotta love Justin (and neither of them were in my gym class). But I thought the lot of them were just a bunch of meathead followers, especially after the "gym incident." I didn't know why so many girls would trip over themselves trying to date some of those silly boys. I knew my music/arts friends were actually more fun.

And that feeling resurfaced in a flippin' American Idol episode tonight. But it reminded me--I think that moment in the gym of Cimarron was formative. Along with an incident that involved some guys that picked on my big brother when we were little...I felt this huge, compelling need to speak up & not let the bullies have the last word. I really do think these situations led me into special education. And now, lead me into what I am studying further in school. I can't go around telling off preteens in gym class-- I don't think-- but I can use my education & profession to try to advocate & help the students who wake up and DREAD--absolutely DREAD-- another day back in middle school.

I'm pretty sure R lives in LA & is acting these days. Of course, I don't know how that is going, obviously not too well or we'd see him on SOMEthing here in middle America by now...but in a land of severe fakeness...I have to hope that he isn't still the same jerk I told off in gym. Really, I hope he's not. I always wish good things for my fellow grads. Maybe he got a gig in an afterschool special about bullying. Heehee.