This is why journaling is really, really great...

I decided to skim over a computer journal I kept from the years 2003-2008. Wow, there were some great times, then others not-so-great. I am glad I recorded both. Here is part of an entry from 2006. It was in the wake of a lot of spiritual growth that I still credit to helping me onto my path today. I thought it was great to go back & remind myself of these thoughts since their original days:

I sure don’t think I’m perfect. But I also don’t think I’m trash. I think I’m special. Yet I think I’m a single petal on a brilliant flower and am not that great on my own. That is the beauty in belonging to God. We come to Him imperfect and needy, yet He makes us amazing angels of light and truth. We can glorify in that. Yet we can also still see that it’s not a one-stop shop…we don’t just go in for a shiny new paint job. We constantly need repair, rework, reminder, and reapplication. There is beauty in that.

Every day is a new day. I can start over every time the sun rises. This is a good thing. There would be an overwhelming sense of hopelessness if that weren't the case. Now, this is tricky…others may not let you start over. You can wallow in that sense of rejection, resentment and really start disliking yourself. But anyone who is a true friend knows what Grace is. Thank the Lord that He invented it! Anyone in your life that is practicing Grace with you…is doing it to receive Grace as well.

I am thankful that I can revisit these thoughts & still find them to ring true!

bloggin...should be joggin

A recent post I read rang to the tune of: Blogs make me feel bad about myself (not cool enough, not thankful enough, not inspiring enough).

I want to tell her that many of us who blog are merely just journaling for our own benefit. Beit narcissim for the fact that it's online, but it's just the current way many of us journal.

I know I have 3 readers. I probably have 5 if you add in the people that don't comment. But that is not the point for me. I don't sit down with pen & paper anymore. This is the only way I take the time to record certain points of life.

Perhaps back when many of us journaled in an actual journal, or wrote it on Microsoft Word, we truly wrote it as an historical record. But even then--didn't you journal knowing that you could suddenly die & have it discovered by thousands of curious eyes? (ie, you wrote to an 'audience').

That being said, the short times I spend blogging could be spent exercising, folding laundry, grocery shopping. However, I like to stop and faintly reflect on where I am at & what is going on.

For example, today Lyndon & I met Lindy at Zorba's for a yummy lunch. She just loved holding him & basking in his sweet smiles. I could not help but be the adoring mother, taking in every moment.

I want to remember those moments. I've been told they pass quickly.

Thus, a letter to Lyndon...#4:

Dear Lyndon,

You were so sweet today at lunch with Lindy and during mommmy's sudden need to find flattering clearance-rack clothes at Target. You just smiled, cooed, and slept during a jaunt around town. I know I won't have these moments with you forever, so I try my best to savor it all. Even the moments you start crying because it's time for some milk! But even those moments are sweet: We went to the Target snack bar for a bottle break & I ended up conversing with a woman who showed me pictures of her grandchildren. She was out with an elderly woman via her job with a healthcare non-profit. At first, I was annoyed that she wanted to talk so much. (Toting a baby around opens you up to many unwarranted conversations). However, I soon enjoyed our conversation. There is an unspoken bond between women when it comes to little ones. We are "in the trenches" together.

And we love it. We may get tired. We may have spit-up on our shoulders. We may take bottle breaks.

But we love it.

You make my life so sweet!

Love, Momma

Laughter. Kid-Style.

Some of my favorite moments of laughter are when the 12-yr-old spends the night. I was giggling so hard about the Halloween costumes we were coming up with for her yorkie poo, Bear: Justin Bei-bear, Beary Potter (complete with a scar!), and other fun tidbits. We also misheard each other during a conversation, thus it led to a funny quip, and I could NOT stop laughing as we worked out the miscommunication.

As adults, the nature of humor changes. It often falls in categories such as:

1. political satire

2. sarcasm (usually mean-spirited)

3. "haha, I'm smarter than you so I get this joke" joke-- I don't know what you call that humor, those of you smarter than the average bear about the history of humor can fill us in...and then make a joke of that naure, of course, since we wouldn't be as smart as you anyway ;)

4. dirty/raunchy

Yes, sometimes satire & sarcasm regarding world views are funny. Sometimes adult wit is cool and just plain hilarious. But silliness trumps it all.

Point being, it's fun (and important) to just enjoy silly stuff! Laugh at totally corny words. Get tears streaming down your face over a misunderstood word you exchange with someone. Spend an hour joking about what Halloween costumes you can make for your pet. No crude implication, no vicious intent, no jab at anything/one, no elitist front required.

There are probably many adults that forget that.

I probably would if it were not for the times like this in my life.

Thanks, niece. :)

Friends

The concept of friendship changes as we grow older. Our commitments to family (hopefully) deepen and our time away from them becomes that much more precious.

I've thought about my friendships often. I feel so very, very blessed to have my friends. And, yes, some go deeper than others. It's only natural-- we can only divide our time so much.

There are a handful of friends I have that time & space never change. Some of them I acquired very early in life, others blossomed in the throes of adulthood. Some friends I see regularly, and even if not, it is as if time is not existent. We 'get' it--- we realize that babies, husbands, in-laws, jobs sometimes keep our time apart more lengthy than we desire. I suppose if I were to list that category it centers around the Stringent gals (with Gena being a sister much further back), Lindy, Laura, Kevin, Erin, Nova.

I also have friends that I don't see nearly as much but our place in life naturally begins to coincide and we find we have so much common ground. I think particularly of Julie, who I spent a lot of today with. We had our baby boys two weeks apart & although we were already kindred spirits, our new play dates have made appointments together a fun priority. However, we often have to cancel on each other because a baby is sleeping, one of us is just plumb tired...and we 'get' it.

I think about those friends I see at hit-or-miss times, but I know their heart enough to know that we are true friends. We may say, "Let's get together soon!" and then not see each other for two months. The intentions are true & there, but the responsibilities I mentioned earlier supersede. I think of Crystal, who I rarely see except when I stop & say hello to her in the Barnes & Noble music section. I grew up with her in church, tho never knew her much until we were adults. She is such a light & I value that little bit o time we have together ever-so rarely. I think of Michelle (who sometimes visits the blog!) and comes to gigs. I just get so much joy from our small encounters!

That is it say, I often carry guilt for not following up on a passing mention to get together. I need to stop carrying that guilt. I am a social creature by nature, though these days I often find I'd rather just be home with baby, working on his nursing/sleeping schedules and making semi-attempts to keep this house up. ;)

I love these people I "just see in passing." Heck, another good example is a former co-worker & I that ran into each other on the bread aisle at Target. Lyndon was peaceful in his stroller & it allowed us to have a wonderful "catch-up" for a few minutes. I ended by telling her that she needs to come over one day, but I realize it may not happen any time soon. It's not about disliking the company...it's just a matter of what we can realistically make happen.

I suppose the magic of Facebook (and the occasional gigs that allow me to see several wonderful folk at one time) sometimes make me feel like I must try to make time with those people. Did I mention I pretty much suck at checking/answering my phone? :)

I guess all this rambling is to say...I don't think these friendships are insincere. They just are what they are. They are the intertwined lives, often with shared thoughts, ideas, goals that encourage each other on life's journey. They are often a part of us tho we don't arrange times to hang out. I enjoy meeting people & sharing on life's journey. It may be sporadic, but it is important. Communal. Uplifting.

Thank you to the friends I have-- the friends that know me better than I know myself, the friends I bump into here & there, the friends that I barely know that just make me smile when I see them. And thanks for reading my ramblings. ;)

More on Love...

And there are times when we have to make a choice: When is our love being expressed in a way that hinders or helps someone?

I've seen upfront how evil can take over a life of someone so precious to me. How the chemicals of the mind can be imbalanced. To a point, you must show them affection. At some point, when all other avenues have been explored, should you demonstrate "tough love"?

When someone is in the depths of confusion & depression and continues to make terrible choices, sometimes we must stand and say, "Enough!" We have to demonstrate that there are certain things we can not, will not, tolerate.

In the end it seems that is the only way to get through to them. We can't allow innocent bystanders to be in harm's way. This is true with alcoholism, depression, sexual misconduct, and a myriad of other areas of life that Satan thrives.

It is tough to know how to handle these delicate situations. Overall, it seems prayer and steadfast meditation are the only ways to find the answers. This is when I don't know how someone can not turn to a Higher Power and believe, truly believe.

Thinking About Love

So, got some ideas tossin' around this morning. Gotta write a bit down. Guess what really got the ol' noggin' churning was the minutes I spent staring at my son as I hoped he would fall back asleep after our first early morning feed. (don't you know the sacred Saturday rituals yet, o ye little one?). :)

Often in moments like those I just can't stop thinking about how much I LOVE this little human. Seriously, such deep love that I wanna cry.

But...I don't believe you merely birth a child to know what love is. That's one of those 'icing on the cake' deals. So is a really happy romantic love. Or being lucky enough to be born in a loving family. No, understanding love, true love, goes much deeper than that.

Have you ever had to work on loving someone that completely drives you crazy (ok, I suppose a mother understands that in the teen years, ha)? Have you ever found yourself staring down the barrel of a loaded gun--the one we often call 'sin'--because someone dear to you is making horrible choices? Have you ever had to try to continue to love your SELF because you were making horrible choices?

What about brotherly love to someone you have a hard time seeing as your 'brother' because society puts us all in pretty, little, labeled boxes.

What about a friend who is in the grips of depression/alcoholism/sickness/(insert more crap here). Tempting to kinda just slide out of the picture, huh? Yes, it is. Love is staying there. REALLY staying there, not just the lip service of it. That is so. frickin'. hard.

I saw a musical that is centered around the concept of love last night. I know, most any artform is centered around that theme. It's what inspires art, after all. The musical really made me reflect on my first teaching job in east OKC & the challenges of trying to love some of those kiddos that wanted to run as far away from love as humanly possible. (The school focused on teens that had already been to jail and/or juvy and they'd all been "labeled 'ED' "). Man, those kids wanted love SO much that they would use every fiber of their being to run away from it. And a few very special people there illustrated to me what love is. The challenging kind.

How can we experience the 'icing on the cake' moments--or, rather, appreciate them to the fullest--without first realizing how sacred & amazing love truly is? I don't know if we can. Hmmm, one of the questions of philosophy class 101 that always nagged me the most as a believer (in God) was trying to understand adversities of the world & why we must experience them. Why would a loving God allow certain things to go down. Devil or not. Perhaps this helps me make just a miniscule amount of sense with that.

(But I still don't know why innocent children fall victim to awful things. Help me on that one, God. I need your wisdom there because I get super pissed off. Thanks).

That is not to belittle the 'lovables' in our lives. We need lovable people to make us strong. We need optimism to fuel our fire to love the unlovables. At the end of the day, we are all so very, very lovable. Some people have just buried it a little deeper than others.

So, I give thanks to experiences

--within family, friends, on the job---

that teach me more about love. Isn't that why we are all here anyway?

Fragments of Friday

This is not a regular series by any means. And technically it's now Saturday. Tan & I had a bit of a dramatic night, but all is good. My mom said she'd watch Lyndon while we attended a musical in Guthrie (I may review it later, too tired now).

Anyway, being the good lil' theater patrons we are, we had our phones off til the end of the show at 11 pm. Only then did we learn that my mom's transformer had blown out--- and with no electricity & AC, it soon become difficult to stay there with a little one. To add to the adventure, my cousins from Austin were in town and stopped by my mom's to meet Lyndon. There were 4 little girls running around with no lights on (fun!).

Eventually, my mom & brother had to make the careful call to swaddle up Lyndon and head to my sister's across town. I won't speculate on the safety of that, and hope my dear readers won't as well. But, like I said the night the tornado sirens went off & I was without carseat---you gotta do what ya gotta do.

So at close to 11:30 I arrived at Amy's to find Lyndon smiling in his sleep, cradled in Ryann's arms. She's 12. She said she held him for an hour & her arm was tired. ;)

Letter to Lyndon #3:

Dear Lyndon,

Tonight Daddy & I got to go on a date. Yes, the dinner portion was Taco Bell due to time constraints, but we took in some theater and enjoyed the quaint little town of Guthrie. (We'll go stroll those streets one day & have a playdate with the Fortneys).

Even tho your Mema's power went out, she took good care of you. Your Uncle Mark, Uncle Phillip, Aunt Amy, and 3 cousins loved getting to spend some time with you! Your cousin Aubrey, who is currently 3 (going on 16) is just enamored with you! She loves to (try) to pinch your cheeks and tell you how cute you are.

You are loved by all of your family, the Hubberts and the Curls, and it is easy to see why. You bring joy to everyone you encounter.

Love, Momma

2 months

Lyndon is two months old today! His little personality gets bigger every day. This week we began an actual 'bedtime' with him and it has made life better for several reasons. For us, we now know that there will be a time each night that we actually have together (Tanner and I, just to clarify). For him, it is wonderful....who'd have thought? He is actually less fussy now because of the routine. He actually has better naps during the day! I think once I got past the hard part--letting him be those first two nights--I learned this routine is better for all 3 of us!

Letter to Lyndon #2:

Dear Lyndon,

Daddy put you to bed at your designated time the first three nights. Mommy just couldn't bear it! I had to go outside & talk on my phone to distract myself from the idea that you may possibly cry & need/want me! However, you only cried a bit one of those nights---the other two you just konked out as if you've been waiting for this!

Tonight I put you to bed. After a bath (in the bath tub now, woohoo!) we had one more feeding & diaper, then off to your room. I prayed with you; your first bedtime prayer. When I opened my eyes, you were just smiling at me with that wide-mouthed grin that I have come to love more than anything in the world. I couldn't help but think you understood my words. You knew God was listening. Then I sang you a song. You were so happy!

You, sweet boy, have brought so much joy to me for two straight months. Ok, even before that, but I am speaking of your post-womb days. ;) Keep growing strong & teaching me what love is. Love always, Momma