Mommy Guilt

Ya know, reading internet message boards while pregnant (with hypochondriac tendencies!) seems like the worst idea ever.

However, tonight I am glad I took the time to read up on a few preggo message boards. I got a peace of mind I really, really needed.

See, I've had a deep, painful cough for a long time now. Started right before Christmas, went to Urgent Care Xmas Eve, got a Zpac (ha, by chance the PA I saw was a girl I went to college with AND she's pregnant, so I felt great taking advice from her!) because she said it seemed to be a resp. infection.

It cleared up, mostly, then Tanner had it. But THEN about 2 weeks ago the cough came back to me....stronger than ever. As in, laying in bed at night with very little sleep because I was coughing til I gagged. I've never had coughs that sounded like THIS in my life! Poor Tan, most nights here lately he goes to the other bedroom because my coughing fits make it impossible for even the neighbors to sleep! Yes, I'm still dealing with it. I went back to the clinic last week and saw a different PA (my college pal went on maternity leave...I think she may have had her baby today!) and he suspected bronchitis, but he didn't want to Xray me of course....so it's his educated guess. This time, I've been given a 10-day antibiotic set.

So, here we are half way through that round of meds, my throat has a sort of lump in it when I swallow, I still harshly cough at night (only minimally during the day), and I'm quite sleep-deprived.

More than any of that....there's been a nagging sadness/guilt lingering around me because I was starting to feel all this violent coughing has GOT to interrupt Baby Hubbert's womb activities & development. He usually kicks me after a really physical coughing round. Then, of course, my mind wanders & I fear the worst...the 'what ifs' just pour the guilt over me.

But I googled "bronchitis while pregnant" and read about several woman having the exact same symptoms while with child. Many others offered assurance that the baby would be ok & couldn't feel it the way mom does, that they had also had such sicknesses & now have a healthy toddler. I guess I needed to read that. It's been very alarming to feel like I could single-handedly be hurting my baby every single night I try to sleep.

God, please take care of him inside of me as I try to get well. I know I can put my trust in Your power! :)