Mommy Guilt

Ya know, reading internet message boards while pregnant (with hypochondriac tendencies!) seems like the worst idea ever.

However, tonight I am glad I took the time to read up on a few preggo message boards. I got a peace of mind I really, really needed.

See, I've had a deep, painful cough for a long time now. Started right before Christmas, went to Urgent Care Xmas Eve, got a Zpac (ha, by chance the PA I saw was a girl I went to college with AND she's pregnant, so I felt great taking advice from her!) because she said it seemed to be a resp. infection.

It cleared up, mostly, then Tanner had it. But THEN about 2 weeks ago the cough came back to me....stronger than ever. As in, laying in bed at night with very little sleep because I was coughing til I gagged. I've never had coughs that sounded like THIS in my life! Poor Tan, most nights here lately he goes to the other bedroom because my coughing fits make it impossible for even the neighbors to sleep! Yes, I'm still dealing with it. I went back to the clinic last week and saw a different PA (my college pal went on maternity leave...I think she may have had her baby today!) and he suspected bronchitis, but he didn't want to Xray me of course....so it's his educated guess. This time, I've been given a 10-day antibiotic set.

So, here we are half way through that round of meds, my throat has a sort of lump in it when I swallow, I still harshly cough at night (only minimally during the day), and I'm quite sleep-deprived.

More than any of that....there's been a nagging sadness/guilt lingering around me because I was starting to feel all this violent coughing has GOT to interrupt Baby Hubbert's womb activities & development. He usually kicks me after a really physical coughing round. Then, of course, my mind wanders & I fear the worst...the 'what ifs' just pour the guilt over me.

But I googled "bronchitis while pregnant" and read about several woman having the exact same symptoms while with child. Many others offered assurance that the baby would be ok & couldn't feel it the way mom does, that they had also had such sicknesses & now have a healthy toddler. I guess I needed to read that. It's been very alarming to feel like I could single-handedly be hurting my baby every single night I try to sleep.

God, please take care of him inside of me as I try to get well. I know I can put my trust in Your power! :)

Day #3

I'm going strong in this experiment. I like it! At the heart of it all, the big change is that I am using shelved food in the kitchen that needed to be used. We were getting in the habit of defaulting to the easy, frozen stuff when we did cook at home. Or, we'd go buy a lot of ingredients just to cook one meal when there were several other things we could've whipped up with what we already had.

If I did the math of all the canned soups, veggies, boxed pastas, meal kits, noodles, sauces that have been going unused in the kitchen---hmmm, I'd guess $200? That is probably a conservative guess. The other beautiful byproduct of getting creative & cooking with items I already have is the fact that it forces me to do some "clean out." Yes, I am tossing things that have expired, do not fear. I am not privy to using anything that is even a day over the date printed. That is a gamble I'm not willing to take, even though I'm told that some things can still be used a week/month/YEAR after the date. Yuck.

So Saturday night I made us a tuna helper kit, salad, and rolls. Yesterday, I used up the crab legs we still had in the freezer (our freezer was pretty stocked before I decided to try this so there are still many meats to choose from) and whipped up some mashed potatoes and green beans to go with 'em.

I spent some money last night, but it was all within my 'exceptions' list. Got some gas. Went to Wal-Mart & got milk, bread, veggies (oranges, bananas, avocados, yum!). And yogurt. (That goes on the list with milk, as I need to eat it in my pregnancy. It is a miracle-drug for prevention of problems, I tell ya).

It is AMAZING how much different this Wally trip was. Before, I'd peruse the aisles with coupons, adding other cool-looking items along the way. While the coupons saved, I totally bought things I really didn't need in the first place. I also used to stock up a ton on frozen pizzas and pot pies for Tan (his two favorites). Now, I am not forcing Tan to eat the way I am going to eat. This week, I will still be able to cook many meals that I know he will like...but eventually he will want his frozen goodies. He'll just need to go pick them out himself since I am not buying those types of things, which is probably preferred by him anyway. BUT with me cookin' for us using fresh veggies coupled with cupboard items, he'll eat healthier meals. He's been wanting to eat better, so I hope the experiment coincides with that as well.

Anyway, I'd typically leave the grocery store with a $80-$90 tab. Last night--- $15! And I even got to go through the coveted "10 items or less" lane. At my local WM that is a gift within itself. It is always a crowded circus. But I was literally in and out. Yee-haw.

A Social Experiment

Or should it be lumped into the Financial Experiment category?

Starting today, I am going to see how long I can go without buying (ie, consuming) anything. There are natural exceptions:

1. gas (because I must go to school & can not bike that....umm, I can't bike at all right now for that matter, ha!)

2. milk, eggs, butter, bread, fresh veggies (these staples will be my only grocery trip purpose)

3. any school-related expense that I MUST put on the CC in order to successfully do my job

(let me know if you can think of something else that I must add to this list...)

Now, I am not going to dream too big at first. I am thinking getting through one week will be my small, realistic goal. I would add more to the list of exceptions (toilet paper, trash bags, etc) but as I rack my brain for any unavoidable...I think I am stocked in all of those departments thanks to taking advantage of coupons/sales at one point. I've never done this (at least this hardcore) so we'll see if anything I didn't plan for arises.

I have to think of this as a game in order to do it. The truth is that numbers don't lie---we've had a series of crappy events (I'll only skim the surface by mentioning 2 necessary appliances replaced)-- and we've found our financial situation in crisis mode. Making it a "game" or "challenge" to see if one can bypass the American way of "charge it now, pay it later" seems to motivate me to want to do this instead of just saying, "Crap, we are flat broke all of the sudden!"

I'd like to be smug and pretend that I already live "within my means." I think minimalism is truly awesome. But I only talk about it, I don't do it. There is so much JUNK I possess. I mean, I don't need to call Hoarders or anything, but I have way more "stuff" than I could ever use/need. Don't we all?

There's also the little things that ya forget about 2 hours later: A Sonic Happy Hour craving hits, a pedicure with a buddy becomes needed (because they're having a $15 special!), a Dollar Store spree, a don't-get-me-near-the-Target-dollar-bin moment.

Now, I am not gonna force the hubs to do this with me. I haven't even told him I'm doing it yet. It's freewill & if even just one of us is not slapping down the plastic card this week, we will be making a noticeable change. I'm also not trying to suck every ounce of joy in life out; this is truly a temporary experiment. Sometimes ya need to go to the matinee movie & just escape, ya know? Sometimes grabbing coffee with a friend is not about the coffee at all. If we have income & live in the Western world, those things are just a part of daily life. Just not this week! Or maybe the next, we'll see.

It's just that this seems like the most logical time in the world for me to do it--there are many things I can't or don't want to go out and do right now anyway being third trimester preggers, I love being home, it's winter, I have PLENTY of projects I could be starting, I'd like to be healthier (thus sticking to the fresh/perishable items). So why not try to cut out the extras?

So, yeah, about that lunch date we always casually drop and say we'll schedule. Be patient & wait a bit for me. Perhaps come February I will be ready to go back to those things...but I wanna see if I can DO this, by golly. It's kinda fun. I think.

Check back here on Day #3. I am blogging this in hopes of the accountability factor, so we'll see what song I'm singing then... :)

It's not Monday, right?

Wow, it's been "one of them there days." I had a rough go of it this morning: couldn't find parking, very cold walk to class, elevator broken= waddling up 3 flights when I'm already late, cell phone going off in class when I SWORE I turned it completely off & teacher calling it out= humiliation, sciatic nerve starting to act up. Yeah, by lunch time I was in tears. I called my husband just to sob for a minute.

Then, lunch with sweet Julie helped lift me a tad. She even told me a story to help me feel better about the cell phone incident...she was taking a test in nursing school when her cell phone went off. Scrambling to get it off ASAP, she erroneously hits 'speaker.' So her friend on the line is going, "Hello, Julie? Julie, ya there?" for all to hear...and about 70 test-takers look up. Aw, poor girl, I would've just fallen into a giant hole in the ground. Or wish for that, at least. But we all have mortifying moments...I'll never forget strutting out of the neighborhood pool bathroom with toilet paper trailing outta my bathing suit. I was there being the mature, supervising aunt of my preteen nieces. I dove in that same pool & had my bikini top fall another day. Funny, they don't really need me to take them to the pool anymore... :)

Anyway, I was still emotional (tho a little better) when I stopped at Ross to return a few things in hopes of scoring just ONE cute maternity top. I thought I found it. It wasn't anything to write home about, but it at least looked semi-cute around my bump. I mean, it definitely looked "Ross-esque" but it wasn't covered in some loud, annoying print or anything. Then, I looked in the mirror. Again, felt hot tears well up. I'm just tired of being....big. And feeling so... not cute.

Wah, wah, wah, I know! Let's chalk up the moment as a tad hormonal & lack of good sleep. So, needing some positive feedback (I think words of affirmation go on my 'love language' list) I decided to round the corner & see what the Ross lady thought. "She'll make me feel cute!" my little brain thought.

me: "Do you like this top?"

her: "No. It's ugly."

me: "Ok."

She was older, probably 55 or so, & I actually liked her bluntness. However, 'twas not the reaction I was really going for. At that point the tears dried up & I just laughed. I laughed because I realized so many of my day's emotional moments were truly me being "in my own head." Our reaction to circumstance is much more powerful than the actual little unfortunate events. And I better get used to things not going according to plan. Something tells me mommyhood is nothing BUT unexpected delays, frazzled moments, and self-doubts. But at least once baby Hubbert is out of this belly, perhaps I can go shopping for a cute top again. : )

A Passionate Principle

I am reading a book right now that is very well-written. I stumbled upon it, really. I was trying to find a few books that had popped up multiple times on critics' best of 2010 lists...not always best sellers, mind you...and my local library was out of this one. However, the author had a few other novels so I picked this one:

"Whatever Makes You Happy"

It explores some very interesting concepts of happiness and a modern-day tale of a wife/mother/author trying to research the topic. However, I hit the place in the book where she begins an affair with another married person. I got mad at the book last night and put it down. But I also am curious how it's gonna play out. Will there be consequences? Will she get caught? I know it is mere fiction, but her husband has been painted as a truly loving, caring man and I am so angry at the leading lady that I don't know if I want to keep reading to answer these questions. Now, I know good, really good, books and movies are supposed to make you think, make you FEEL, and that doesn't always mean you are gonna like what the 'protagonist' is doing. Ya gotta stick around to get to the lesson. If there is one.

But this book is reminding me of why I used to cringe when I'd hear ladies gush about how romantic "Bridges of Madison County" was. That movie disgusted me. I was young, but old enough to know that she totally betrayed her spouse & she sucked because of that.

Twice in my life I've had someone I care about dearly confide their infidelity to me. Mind you, I wasn't finding out before the spouse...they were telling me in the aftermath, and it was very privileged information. Had it been the former situation--well, that is a whole 'nother ball game that I pray I am never a part. I'd have to do what I think was right, probably losing a friend in the process. However, they were just sharing with me some deep-rooted feelings & transgressions. There wasn't as much guilt vocalized as I thought there'd be, but lots of sadness. It brought me into inner conflict very quickly...I love the people I let into my life for specific reasons and want to be good to them. My biggest beef with humans is judgement, so I want to very specifically not judge those around me. (I'm not God, after all). However, there is nothing I despise more than infidelity. I believe it is the cruelest deception one can bestow upon another, I don't care what the background story is. (People like to justify this action, I've noticed). I've known it to destroy lives, marriages, kids' confidences, faith, and much more. It is truly from the devil's playground & every person in a committed relationship must guard themselves from it fiercely.

So, as I was saying, inner conflict has never reached quite the pinnacle as when I learned someone I loved did something I despised. I chose to be firm in vocalizing what I thought, but also supporting them with my ear as they picked up the pieces of a very broken situation. I know at the end of the day...you can't make someone become as passionate about your personal principles as you are. This is still a tough one to me, though. I don't have a quick one-liner to summarize how one should react.

And as for my book...it's resting on my bed, spine up, while I decide if I feel like "hearing her out." I probably will. But she's not my friend & she's not even real, so I don't have to wrestle with loving her in the process. She can stuff it. :)

Bits n Pieces

Yesterday I had a lot on my mind...too much that I couldn't put my thoughts into proper paragraphs via blog. Today, though, I'll just share some lil' tidbits:

~I am still on official 'break' when it seems like most of the world went back to school/work. Hooray for being a 32-yr-old college student!

~I wish I knew a super secret that motivates your husband to start painting the nursery. My patience is waning...I want to start that room so bad!

~I tried watching the pilot of "United States of Tara" because a friend loves-loves that show. It didn't do it for me at all. And it even has John Corbett in it.

~Sometimes I like pizza for breakfast. Like today.

~Don't worry, I'll get better nutrients in...I'll have a banana or orange in just a bit.

That's all I got. This may be the worst blog entry ever. Wow. :)

1-1-11

The day of ones. The day of starting from the very beginning. Happy New Year, people!

Our NYE was quite uneventful as far as "doin' the town, counting down, etc." Tan was sick, and I'm hitting that phase in preggo-ville where sitting/standing one way, particularly in crowds, has zero appeal.

I did, however, really enjoy myself at a little family get together. I didn't realize that so many cousins were going to be in town & it was great to catch up. Little cousin (well, son of my cousin) Levi is 4 and he is hilarious. He wanted to give about 6 of us a speech about "tips for life." The summary was this: don't forget your underwear, don't tee-tee in your pants, don't wear a bracelet on your head. It went on for at least 20 minutes, but those are the finer points I recall.

My bump was in full force so my far-away relatives got a kick outta seeing me so rotund. Many of them won't see me again til after the baby.

Welp, no resolutions from this corner. I mean, I have goals...like cleaning the house & getting a nursery going. But I'm not going to resolve anything. Ok, maybe I will. But I hopefully strive for this every year: Just act out of love. I want to do this as a friend, a wife, a mother (so weird to say that!), a sister, a daughter, a student, a teacher, a neighbor. Yup, that sums it up!

Enjoy your 2011!